Lost in Translation

I came across this desciption of something what ED would say.....and then what it would really mean. I thought it was a good way to show others what the conversations are like (to a small degree) inside my head.

ED: You'll lose weight
Translation: You'll loose yourself

ED: You'll gain control
Translation: You'll lose control

ED: You'll be skinny
Translation: You'll be sick

ED: You'll be confident
Translation: You'll hate yourself

ED: People will like you more
Translation: You'll push them away

ED: You'll be able to look great in a swimming suit
Translation: You'll be insecure and hide in your clothes

ED: You'll be more social
Translation: You'll isolate yourself

ED: You'll get more attention
Translation: People will worry about you and you'll lie and say your just fine.

ED: You'll feel better
Translation: You'll be weak and tired

ED: You'll reach your goal weight
Translation: You'll NEVER be satisfied.
(NOTE: There is a CONSTANT sense that I just need to loose 5 more pounds.....then 5 more......then 5 more. There will ALWAYS be 5 more.)

ED: You're doing great
Translation: You're dying. 

Self assured body image & a childs best.

I always tell myself that I'm going to write more. I feel the need or the pull to write more. I feel as though it could be very beneficial. I have no doubt that Heavenly Father would and could teach me so much with the spirit as I write. (Can anyone else relate!?!) My reluctance in writing comes from the shame attached to what my struggle is. Perhaps more than that is the emotional energy that it takes in writing. Emotional energy seems to be a commodity in short supply, to be valued and protected. I'll probably looking for about forever the balance between investing emotional energy for enough benefit of learning by the spirit.....putting off the shame I feel.

That being said.........

I am in shock, amazement, and sometimes impressed how other women see themselves. While I'm out and about with long sleeves (and usually a jacket because I'm trying to hide my disgusting and flabby arms, the size of my stomach and overall shape in general), there are others during the whole year, but especially in the summer who appears to be incredibly comfortable in their own skin and have no problem showing it. I DO NOT want any body shaming and I really hope this doesn't come across as sarcastic because I truly and sincerely am in genuine awe that others are able to do that.

There are many days that I would love to wear any short-sleeve shirt and not feel as though I need to take a Xanax or Ativan to live thru that. Despite it being over 100 degrees, wearing whatever jacket was most handy, (I own a fair amount of jackets) I venture out into the warmish world, doing what I need to get done. My daughter is very quick to pick up on the fact of my frequent jacket wearing and inquires why I do so. I cannot remember the recent reason (or excuse) for doing what I do.

I am becoming increasingly more aware of how my actions and example influence my kiddos. I'm trying very hard to exhibit more 'normal' behavior like eating 3 meals a day, (which is more obvious in the summer while together all day) and having occasional sweets. We bought doughnuts a couple of weeks ago, and bought ice cream a couple of nights ago. It has taken some very concerted thinking effort, and asking a friend to hold me accountable to eat ice cream, hoping to show my kids that it truly is a normal activity to have an occasional treat, especially in the summer. In treatment, our meal plans included having dessert at least 3 times a week.

I also want to share something else I've been learning in the last couple of weeks. I want to preface this by saying that I love my parents and that this is not to be interpreted as speaking ill of them. I believe it to simply be a generational tradition passed down to them and on to me about the degree by which tasks in general are to be accomplished. Although not intentional, perfectionism can be implied, if not taught. The toilet being clean 'enough', and not being able to move on in the day until it is clean 'enough' I know is meant to teach a seemingly good principle. It however, may be taught in a less than stellar way. Does this make sense?

This has been a bit of a conundrum for me lately. How do I teach my kids to do a good job, to do chores, homework, give service to others, music practice with a whole-hearted effort even though they may not be motivated to do so? I don't want them to learn that being flaky is alright nor do I want them to learn that perfection is the only way. So what is one to do? Ask the perfect parent what works best for my kids.....the Father who has know us all the longest. I asked Heavenly Father. I was surprised at the simplicity of his answer and how much it made sense. I share hoping that it might help you as well.

The answer? Hold them to THEIR best. After they complete a task, doing dishes, scrubbing the toilet, completing homework.......stop and ask them and yourself if they have done THEIR best. My kids are not of equal capability to complete tasks. They will not be able look back, knowing that they had to be held to my high standards (aka perfection) as opposed to knowing that they were expected to do THEIR best. After all......realistically, logically.......that is what my Heavenly Father wants from me, despite what I may have been taught, what I may have perceived, or what I expect of myself.

Some of you may have known this already. I'm just learning this and I hope that it may help you as well.

Thank You for sacrificing your time to read what I had to share.

Write or not to right......

I mentioned in my last post about my writings. I have heard is said many times in the church how important it is to journal what is going on in our lives as a part of our history, to add to our family history. I've heard it encouraged in the counseling world, (my counselor included) how beneficial writing can be. Perhaps it is the ability to slow the mind down enough to put what you are thinking or feeling into words. Maybe it is the meditation that at times can accompany writing, many times with the spirit. Perhaps it is seeing the words that have come from your mind, coming out on paper, only to be read to go full circle into your mind again. I know many who see it as beneficial, an outlet in which to vent, or to organize what is going on with the turmoil inside.
Me? Not so much.....

I'm not very good at slowing my mind down or being able to come up with a complete cognitive thought, but it all comes down to the writing. Writing (for me) is usually seen as another way that ED attacks something for which can never be "good enough." He is constantly in my head belittling what I have to say, critiquing every little word, phrase, my grammar......often demanding a reason to why I am writing in the first place. Although I do have to tell him that no on may ever read what ever it is that I may write, he ignores that as meaningless and continues with the barrage of his two cents. The fact that I have a blog, that I post and at last count, have had over 1500 views is beyond comprehension. It'll be amazing if this post is kept and published to the blog. Maybe it is because of him that I don't write more often. It might be because of him that I feel the need to apologize to all who read this as I accept the fact that it probably not "good enough," that there are so many things that are not right, or correct or whatever whatever whatever.....(ED could go on forever!)

At least in writing and blogging, I try to take comfort in the fact that if readers don't really want to read what is shared, they don't have to. I don't know who does or doesn't read. There isn't really anything to be taken to personally as an attack of not having done anything "good enough." It becomes more problematic when it carries over into the interactions of life.....but I will save that for another post.
Please consider the idea that menial things, that you may never think twice about.....others struggle, doubt, wrestle with, and torment over.......whether they be wright, write, or right......

.....Pansy.....

Hello to the masses. I feel the need to post tonight, but I'm not confident that this will make sense. I say that because I have a draft of another post for which I am yet unable to have it make sense, not to mention 'flowing well'. So if you're reading this......please bear with me.

I was talking with a friend this evening who asked how I was doing. With her, I try a little harder to be more honest, more so than giving the traditional "I'm fine" answer. So in an attempt to give a more heart felt answer, I tried to make sense of the non-sense that is going on in my head. It seems as though I am struggling. Then again, it seems like I'm always struggling. Is it just that I struggle in different degrees, and depending on the day I'm more or less likely to be resilient to the stress that is life?......to be resilient in the fight for recovery?

During the last couple of weeks, I've tried to write a little bit more as the wave of the need to isolate has consumed me. I have begun to notice a common thread in my writing as of late. (This is the part where I hope something makes sense to you, because it barely makes sense to me......) And yes, I'm sure this comes from ED, the demon who probably is Lucifer's brother, (dirty rotten devil...gggrrrrrr! ! ! !)

The continual theme is this:
Why all the whining Alex? (Not my real name....) Why all the complaining Alex? You have so many blessings and you have been given so much......why can't you just be more grateful? Why are you saying this part is hard? Alex, you've been through worse before, and you didn't whine and complain as much as you do now. You are weak, and becoming weaker, more fragile......someone who needs to be 'handled'.....aren't you? You are just a pansy.

THAT struck a nerve with me.....being called a pansy. That is something my mother would call me when I was younger. She would say it in a half-hearted, sarcastic, yet semi-serious tone as her way of saying, "You need to toughen up!!" I had completely forgotten about that up until these last few weeks as her words have come back to haunt me. Now I hear that phrase so frequently as I feel more worn down in ED's constant, incessant, relentless berating. "Alex, no one invited you to any pity party. Just get over yourself. You're not that special anyhow. Buck up buttercup......You're just being a pansy."

I'm not sure really why I was supposed to submit this post. Awareness is a key step in recovery or progress in general. Perhaps this post is best served as a declaration of self awareness. I'll see where it goes from here.

I hope that all made sense.....

The Sinking of the Titanic (Part 1)

Wednesday was April 15th. I was taking a personal day, trying to recover from being sick, having gotten an IV just the day before.

Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a history buff. April 15th, not just tax day but the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. I was hanging out on the couch, wanting to 'brush up' on my history buff wannabe side. I haven't seen a good documentary on the Titanic in awhile. Sure enough, Netflix didn't disappoint.

The one I watched was "Titanic's Final Mystery." It was done by the Smithsonian Channel.  It was about an hour and a half on the basics of the tragedy of the Titanic, much of what I heard of before. But this one added a twist. They began to talk about the principle of refraction on the water, the mirage effect, and how light waves bend in the atmosphere. The theory behind this is because of all these put together, the crew on board the Titanic were deceived by the elements and were not able to see the fatal iceberg which under normal circumstances, they could seen 30 minutes in advance. Instead because of the deception of their own eyes, had only seconds to warn the others.

This was an excellent point of helping me see, from a different perspective how our own eyes, brains sensory systems can betray us. I've heard people say that they have to see it to believe it. So what happens when what we see, is not the truth!?!

The scientist that they followed ended with this conclusion:
"Its almost as though Titanic sank in a killing zone of nature where all the very dangerous elements combined to make it fatal."

We've been taught that it is because of the Fall of Adam and the following circumstances where we have to overcome the natural man. Perhaps overcoming the natural man is more than overcoming sin or overcoming weakness. Perhaps it is ability to see what is true regardless of what our fallible, imperfect and subjective minds and eyes can see.