.....Pansy.....

Hello to the masses. I feel the need to post tonight, but I'm not confident that this will make sense. I say that because I have a draft of another post for which I am yet unable to have it make sense, not to mention 'flowing well'. So if you're reading this......please bear with me.

I was talking with a friend this evening who asked how I was doing. With her, I try a little harder to be more honest, more so than giving the traditional "I'm fine" answer. So in an attempt to give a more heart felt answer, I tried to make sense of the non-sense that is going on in my head. It seems as though I am struggling. Then again, it seems like I'm always struggling. Is it just that I struggle in different degrees, and depending on the day I'm more or less likely to be resilient to the stress that is life?......to be resilient in the fight for recovery?

During the last couple of weeks, I've tried to write a little bit more as the wave of the need to isolate has consumed me. I have begun to notice a common thread in my writing as of late. (This is the part where I hope something makes sense to you, because it barely makes sense to me......) And yes, I'm sure this comes from ED, the demon who probably is Lucifer's brother, (dirty rotten devil...gggrrrrrr! ! ! !)

The continual theme is this:
Why all the whining Alex? (Not my real name....) Why all the complaining Alex? You have so many blessings and you have been given so much......why can't you just be more grateful? Why are you saying this part is hard? Alex, you've been through worse before, and you didn't whine and complain as much as you do now. You are weak, and becoming weaker, more fragile......someone who needs to be 'handled'.....aren't you? You are just a pansy.

THAT struck a nerve with me.....being called a pansy. That is something my mother would call me when I was younger. She would say it in a half-hearted, sarcastic, yet semi-serious tone as her way of saying, "You need to toughen up!!" I had completely forgotten about that up until these last few weeks as her words have come back to haunt me. Now I hear that phrase so frequently as I feel more worn down in ED's constant, incessant, relentless berating. "Alex, no one invited you to any pity party. Just get over yourself. You're not that special anyhow. Buck up buttercup......You're just being a pansy."

I'm not sure really why I was supposed to submit this post. Awareness is a key step in recovery or progress in general. Perhaps this post is best served as a declaration of self awareness. I'll see where it goes from here.

I hope that all made sense.....