Boundaries....

My parents and I have a difficult relationship.

I am the single mom of three crazy peeps. I love them to the moon and back, they are my world. But (un)fortunately, I am in that population of moms that have to work to provide for them. I work about 45 minutes away from where I live and so much of the time, when I work my 12 hours shifts, my peeps stay with my parents. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for my parents. The only way I've been able to make it for the last 4 years since being divorced was because of my parents. I was able to go back to school and make it possible to be a healthcare professional. My parents are wonderful people......but I struggle with them.

It was my mother, who took me to a counselor (before I was divorced or had a major lapse with my eating disorder) wherein she told me that I was an "incompetent mother." I have to tell you.....that is something that I still haven't gotten over. I still feel as though I have that hanging over my head. To her, I never measure up, I'm never good enough nor will I ever be. There is always something lacking in her perspective of me. My home is never clean enough, my kids hair is hardly ever done the 'right' way, I apparently never have good enough clothes for them (even though they get a new wardrobe before school every fall) because she is always giving them more clothes.

One painful strike happened while I was in treatment. I'll preface this by saying that yes......I know they meant well and probably thought in their minds that they were only helping. But one day while I was in treatment, they came into my house (which was in shambles, because I had been in a crisis mode, doing everything to keep myself alive long enough to get to treatment) and re-arranged and cleaned my house. And when I say clean, I mean they changed the light fixture in the bathroom (although I have NO idea why!?!?!) and put pink vinyl hearts all over my daughters bedroom.
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, there is a firmly held belief that families can be together forever, that the family bounds can held even after this life, which I do still hold to be true. However, having gone thru a divorce, the term "Families can be Together Forever" albeit true, can kinda be a sore spot for some, me included. Although this concept had been explained to my mom, there was still in vinyl in one of my kids' room with that saying on their wall. Although I had turned the heat off when I left, they had turned it on while they were there and never turned it back down. I got to pay for the same amount in the power bill that I would have had if I were at home.

Its hard for me to say that my perspective is wrong, because it is mine. That is what I see to be true. Those are the glasses which I look thru. At treatment I learned that its called Atelophobia, The fear of imperfection. So my perspective is that I am not good enough, I am not fast enough, I am not strong enough, I am not tall enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not THIN enough.......because I am incompetent. These are the foundational principles of my eating disorder. That somehow if I can be faster, stronger, taller, prettier, thinner...........that that will equal being competent or good enough. If in turn you've been taught that asking for help is admitting weakness, admitting defeat, How often would you ask for help? Its been quite awhile since I've had home teachers or visiting teachers, (people in our congregation asked to help look out for one another) in my home. Its either because of trust issues, I feel as though I would be weak if I asked for help, or because if I let you into my home, you would see that I'm not good enough.

My mother and I went to counseling for a little bit when I first got home from treatment and she has been doing alright up until about 2 weeks ago. Now, I'm not sure if its my awareness to what has been going on, because I'm able to recognize it more quickly due to the (arduous) practice that I've been blessed with or because of something else to which I'm not aware. She has been doing things that are over-stepping her boundaries. She will not respect my wishes regarding my peeps. She has been over-assuming responsibilities of my peeps. It is really upsetting. Multiple examples in the last 2 weeks could be told, but what it comes down to is how I react to what is going on. Do I react by trying reaffirm control by participating in my eating disorder? Do I hold on to the techniques I've been taught to "ride the wave" until I'm in a safer, more stable place?

Either way, I come and I type unanimously, knowing IF anyone ever reads this, that perhaps it can give pause and reflection to their relationships with those close around.

No, I don't mean for you to fix me. Only the Savior and his Atonement can do that. I am writing to make you aware of your boundaries. Do you respect the boundaries of those around you? Is there someone in your neighborhood, in any group for which you are related , benefit from knowing that sometimes they cannot ask for help or let you into their home because they are afraid of how you will judge them? That perhaps with sincere love, endurance and indeed long suffering, they simply know your phone number and you've talked to them enough to know that if you do need anything, they will know how to call.