Today was a fairly nice day. It was sorely needed after such a desperately challenging night. Today was a day where I could feel the prayers of those around me who may have an idea where I am and know how much I may need help although struggling to ask for it. I had no expectations for myself or for my children. We watched many Christmas movies because our time for getting them all in, is becoming short.
This was a pleasant change from this week where we have all been at each others throats. I've come to realize that I am suffering from a burn-out along with my lapse. It has also come to my attention than my kids are also feeling burn-out. I don't think they realize what burn-out is yet, nor do they know why it comes and certainly have no idea how to cope, deal with, or recover from it. Perhaps that's why today was so nice.
Yes.....food, calories, carbs, weight were still on my mind, but I was not driven by or obssesed by it every moment of the day.
[Funny, as I began to write this post, I wondered what the point of it would be......But as I write, I feel directed by the spirit as to what I can learn and gain from it. Although you may not gain anything from my writing, I appreciate your patience while I am taught.]
I thought that my being burnt-out would be attributed to just finishing finals at school, to keeping up with the demands of a single mom and the obligations and short-comings I feel towards my kiddos. However, as I write, the possibility of my lapse causing my burn-out makes a little bit more sense. If I were explain, even in simple detail, the fixation my mind has on food, calories, protein grams, carbs, what my scale said this morning, I believe you may wonder how on earth, someone can be so obsessed with something so menial. I completely agree. However, that is the nature of my beast, and as I write, I feel as though I underestimate the time, effort, energy, and mental fortitude that is affected by my addictive behavior. Of course Ed and his brother Lucifer, will point the finger elsewhere as far as blame is concerned, and will work so cunningly so as to go unnoticed for as long as possible, until you find yourself caught yet once again.
So a lapse being the foundational cause for being burnt-out does make sense. Now what to do about it?? Of course the simple answer is to just knock it off, to get back up and dust myself off and get back on track. So many times, I think of how nice it would be to not know how many calories or carbs a particular food is. It would be great if my mind didn't just automatically add up my intake for the day. That's probably not the point. The point is to learn coping techniques, patience, reach out for help, to learn empathy and compassion.
Earlier this week, during another emotionally challenging and crushing evening, I was looking for light and answers. I went to LDS.org and under the search, I simply typed in "purpose in pain." The first address that caught my attention was from the April 2011 General Conference talk by Kent F. Richards, entitled "The Atonement Covers All Pain." Let me share the part that pricked my heart, helping me to hold on.
President Henry B. Eyring taught: “It will comfort us when we must wait
in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from
experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give
us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known
how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”
The reason why that helped, was because it sounded like President Eyring understood what it meant to "wait in distress." Does that take away the burden or my emotional pain? No, certainly not. But somehow knowing that someone else understands is validating just enough to help me get grounded.
1. Choose a Go-To Support Person. For each holiday celebration, select a designated person for support and accountability. Choose someone who is willing, available, and, if possible, actually attending the event. Teach this person the do’s and don’ts of support and discuss things-that-might-happen scenarios—explaining what kind of response would be most helpful to you in each situation.
2. Carry Support with You. Program other key support people into your phone—set them up as easy-to-access favorite contacts. In moments of distress, make a call. For extra long events, be sure to bring your cell phone charger! The Tenth Anniversary Edition of Life Without Edsuggests,
If picking up the phone to make a support call is sometimes too difficult for you, maybe you can at least send a short text—like ‘SOS’ or even ‘Ed.’ Tell your support team ahead of time what your distress signal text might say, and let them know helpful ways to respond.
3. Stop and Breathe. Practice mindfulness by paying attention to all five senses—see, hear, smell, taste, and touch the joys of the season. Meditate—even for just a few minutes—before attending holiday gatherings.
4. Facing the Food. Ed will try to make food a big deal; don’t let him. The truth is that holiday food is often the same, so you can easily plan ahead by consulting with your dietitian or a trusted support person. If you don’t know what is going to be served, consider asking beforehand. At the meal, you might even ask a support person to prepare a plate for you. For extra accountability, text a photo of your plate—before and after eating—to someone on your support team. Ask your friends and family not to comment about what you are eating.
5. Plan Something Special Beyond the Food. For many people, including those without eating disorders, food can become the focus of holiday gatherings. While it is normal and healthy to enjoy the festive meals, it can also be important to plan something to look forward to that doesn’t include turkey or stuffing. As I wrote about in Goodbye Ed, Hello Me, add fun to your schedule. Play a board game, watch a movie, or go on a walk. 6. Increase Support. The busyness of the holidays might lead you to want to cancel some therapy sessions. But the added pressure actually means that you need to beef up your support. Add to; don’t take away. Get creative. Adding support doesn’t necessarily mean a big time commitment. For instance, you can listen to recovery podcasts when driving to and from holiday events. (Click here to RSVP for Wednesday’s MentorCONNECT special holiday teleconference!) Use apps like Rise Up + Recover and Recovery Record to send yourself positive affirmations during holiday gatherings. 7. Address Body Image Upfront. When I was in early recovery from my eating disorder, I asked my friends and family not to make comments about my appearance. I clarified, “Please don’t even say that I look ‘great’ or ‘healthy.'” In an effort to educate your friends and family about how you experience negative body image, consider showing them the ambiguous thin or large woman pictured below from my latest book, Almost Anorexic. Are you wearing Ed glasses? Click the image for an explanation of the different perceptions of this figure. 8. Celebrate Small Victories. If you conquer a food fear at a holiday gathering, share the news with your support team. To some friends and family, eating a slice of apple pie might not seem like a big deal, but, to you, it surely can be a sign of courage. Celebrate with people who understand.
9. Create an Emergency 911 Card. As described in Life Without Ed, make a list of time-tested relapse prevention tips. Keep this list with you at all times. Consider typing your emergency 911 card into your smart phone as a note. Ed thrives on forgetfulness. Be a step ahead of him.
10. Remember the Meaning. Despite what Ed may tell you, the holidays were not created as a way to upset people in recovery. What does each holiday truly mean to you? Practice gratitude. Laugh. Never, never, never give up. If you fall down this holiday season, pick yourself back up right away. Choose recovery in each and every moment. Most importantly, hold onto the hope for a full recovery. In the years to come, imagine a holiday without Ed even making a peep. Yes, it can get that good.
- See more at: http://www.jennischaefer.com/blog/overcoming-adversity
Its finals week in my world. By this time tomorrow, I hope to be breathing much better. I only have one more test left........whew! (Besides, why is a single mom, working full time going to school anyway, I mean REALLY !?!?!)
I've seen the members of my recovery team this week. There are some things that I've learned, that I feel impressed to share.
First, let me share some insight I've gained from my personal trainer. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her before. My dietitian informed me awhile ago about some research done on how to improve body image skewed by body dysmoric disorder. Strength training had promising results. The hospital I work for has a gym and employes personal trainers. I met up with one in August and have been aching ever since ;) We were talking one morning while she was trying to kill me off with squats. She encouraged me to remember to do these workouts, to work towards self improvement, to do it for me......and not for anyone else. She explained that there are far too many who workout in search of becoming someone worthy of someone elses time, acceptance or even mere acknowledgment. She said that she's seen so many who have 'achieved' that level of physical fitness only to learn that people who are attracted to only that, typically do not have the substance for a long term relationship. She's right. I don't want a relationship with someone who is drawn to the physical appearance alone.
I met with my therapist this week and disclosed how trying this holiday season seemed to be going. There have been so many years where I have not even given a second thought to the sad memories associated with this time of year. 2015 is not one of those years.
During the week of Thanksgiving, my thoughts were nearly fixated on how (in a perfect world) I would have otherwise been celebrating the 6th birthday of a baby I had miscarried. I've never had a week during Thanksgiving where I have thought about that so heavily as I have this year. This was only slightly exacerbated by the crushing memory of a terrible incident regarding my former husband that happened during the first week of December. I approached my therapist in confusion as to why this year would be so much more challenging than most other years.
He gave a fantastic analogy (as he usually does) explaining that when we are physically fit, when we take care of ourselves, we are more readily able to fend off illness, fatigue......that we are overall more apt to weather the storm. When our immunity has taken a hit, we are not nearly as well off. We become more easily subject to every passing virus or bacteria, every cold and an overall draining of our energies. Emotionally, we are the same way. When we have a full bucket, when our stores are full, when we are in a good place emotionally, we are more able to fight off the detrimental thoughts, to check-in and be honest with our own personal inventory.
As he explained it, it made perfect sense. I've recently taken a tough blow, (lapse vs. relapse......a topic for another post) and am struggling to find my feet. With that in consideration, it almost makes sense to falter to every little whim.....ESPECIALLY during the holidays.
We then went on to discuss ED's new twist in logic. For the last couple of months, ED's latest ploy is that I'm being a drama queen, that I'm doing what I'm doing to be the martyr. My therapist asked me what I thought about that. So I began to talk it out. My eating disorder has not been discussed amoungst my family for years. The vast majority of people I associate with, (co-workers, neighbors, my ward) do not know about my demons. I do have a few friends that I have let in with this knowledge and even now, not one of them know the degree of where things are now. So my conclusion, as I was talking,(or rambling on) was that I do not appear to be a drama queen. My very patient therapist suggested that perhaps the reason that ED (and his brother, Lucifer) would submit that lie, would be for isolation. What happens when I reach out, or if I try to ask for help? Then I am proving ED right......being a drama queen, putting the spotlight on myself. I can see it now, as an attempt to keep me isolated. Anyone who knows the foundational basis of any addictive behavior, also know that there is no way to recover in isolation. I recognize now that me being a drama queen is a F.I.S.H. (False Information Still Honored).......a nasty, rotten, smelly, dead, lying fish. Time to pitch the fish.
I'm not sure many will benefit from this next part, but I found it very interesting and intend to do some research into it.
I met with my dietican this morning and after being given the challenge to eat NINETY STINKIN' CARBS EVERY DAY (gwak!!) she also wanted me to consider the challenge to never eat alone. This homework' was very unusual & I couldn't help but wonder the reasoning behind it. When I asked about it, she explained that other patients she was starting to see come back from various treatment centers, had that as part of their care plan.
So if there is someone out there, concerned about themselves, a friend or loved one......consider the challenge to never eat alone. In the meantime, I will be doing some research about the evidence based content that has lead to this being in new care plans.
I hope everyone is fighting the good fight, even if its just by showing up everyday.
I've had the feeling to blog for the last week or so, but I keep putting it off. The ED in my head tells me that no one wants to hear what I have to say.......that others will come to know the severity of how much I DO NOT have everything in check. That being said, I find myself climbing the walls, crawling under my skin and am wanting to go run a couple of miles despite it being 3 degrees above zero.
On my way home from work this evening, I was visually imagining throwing myself down on the floor, screaming my lungs out, exerting every last ounce of energy I'd have, crying every ugly tear that is inside this fractured heart.
I was wanting to start a new tradition for this December, being able to have a new Christ-Centered story to read to my kids every night with family prayer. I've done nothing to prepare for this new hoped tradition as my focus has been the finals at school that are on the horizon. (I'm in an RN program at a local college.)
As soon as I could clock out from work, I ran to Deseret Book only to find that they had already closed. I felt myself begin to have tears well up in my eyes. Then I felt a rush of memories flood my mind with the simple principle of how terribly, how deeply, how intensely and how irreparably I had just failed. I wanted.......no, I NEEDED everything to be just so, and because it wasn't, I was undeserving of anything and an epic failure beyond any description. I remember being like this as a child; having to have everything just so, having to have everything perfect. I now feel such despair for my parents. I cannot imagine having a child where that level of perfection had to be demanded. How devastating to find that apparently, I have not progressed much in the last 25 years.
I arrived home, fighting back any emotion. I had one still at mutual, but said prayers with the others. We continued on with the evening routine without the dearly hoped for new tradition. My kids didn't even know of my desires to begin such a tradition. So why should all of this matter? Why do I let such seemingly small things get to me so easily!?! Isn't there a better way to cope with such emotion??? I'm still wanting to throw a fit.......to kick, scream, convulse, and have a nasty, hideous, ugly cry.
I desperately hope that despite the mom they have, my kids still turn
out to be strong, resilient, & compassionate human being in spite of
the mom they endure.
I have come to the awareness that the chink in the armor that ED is currently using, is the premise that I over-react to everything, that I am being a drama queen about everything. I think I can understand the idea behind it. If I'm being a drama queen and I tell myself to just be quiet and calm down, I will then in turn be isolating myself which ED wants so as to make his voice in my head heard more definitely and clearly. If I isolate myself, then I will not go out in search for help holding onto the iron rod. I could have called or texted a friend on my way home from work to simply talk thru what was going on in my heart and my mind. However, that would have been too burdensome to them. It must certainly be too emotionally draining to be around someone like me, who is too insecure to even tolerate or endure herself.
I hope that any blithering makes even a little sense.
I came across this desciption of something what ED would say.....and then what it would really mean. I thought it was a good way to show others what the conversations are like (to a small degree) inside my head.
ED: You'll gain control
Translation: You'll lose control
ED: You'll be skinny
Translation: You'll be sick
ED: You'll be confident
Translation: You'll hate yourself
ED: People will like you more
Translation: You'll push them away
ED: You'll be able to look great in a swimming suit
Translation: You'll be insecure and hide in your clothes
ED: You'll be more social
Translation: You'll isolate yourself
ED: You'll get more attention
Translation: People will worry about you and you'll lie and say your just fine.
ED: You'll feel better
Translation: You'll be weak and tired
ED: You'll reach your goal weight
Translation: You'll NEVER be satisfied.
(NOTE: There is a CONSTANT sense that I just need to loose 5 more pounds.....then 5 more......then 5 more. There will ALWAYS be 5 more.)
I always tell myself that I'm going to write more. I feel the need or the pull to write more. I feel as though it could be very beneficial. I have no doubt that Heavenly Father would and could teach me so much with the spirit as I write. (Can anyone else relate!?!) My reluctance in writing comes from the shame attached to what my struggle is. Perhaps more than that is the emotional energy that it takes in writing. Emotional energy seems to be a commodity in short supply, to be valued and protected. I'll probably looking for about forever the balance between investing emotional energy for enough benefit of learning by the spirit.....putting off the shame I feel.
That being said.........
I am in shock, amazement, and sometimes impressed how other women see themselves. While I'm out and about with long sleeves (and usually a jacket because I'm trying to hide my disgusting and flabby arms, the size of my stomach and overall shape in general), there are others during the whole year, but especially in the summer who appears to be incredibly comfortable in their own skin and have no problem showing it. I DO NOT want any body shaming and I really hope this doesn't come across as sarcastic because I truly and sincerely am in genuine awe that others are able to do that.
There are many days that I would love to wear any short-sleeve shirt and not feel as though I need to take a Xanax or Ativan to live thru that. Despite it being over 100 degrees, wearing whatever jacket was most handy, (I own a fair amount of jackets) I venture out into the warmish world, doing what I need to get done. My daughter is very quick to pick up on the fact of my frequent jacket wearing and inquires why I do so. I cannot remember the recent reason (or excuse) for doing what I do.
I am becoming increasingly more aware of how my actions and example influence my kiddos. I'm trying very hard to exhibit more 'normal' behavior like eating 3 meals a day, (which is more obvious in the summer while together all day) and having occasional sweets. We bought doughnuts a couple of weeks ago, and bought ice cream a couple of nights ago. It has taken some very concerted thinking effort, and asking a friend to hold me accountable to eat ice cream, hoping to show my kids that it truly is a normal activity to have an occasional treat, especially in the summer. In treatment, our meal plans included having dessert at least 3 times a week.
I also want to share something else I've been learning in the last couple of weeks. I want to preface this by saying that I love my parents and that this is not to be interpreted as speaking ill of them. I believe it to simply be a generational tradition passed down to them and on to me about the degree by which tasks in general are to be accomplished. Although not intentional, perfectionism can be implied, if not taught. The toilet being clean 'enough', and not being able to move on in the day until it is clean 'enough' I know is meant to teach a seemingly good principle. It however, may be taught in a less than stellar way. Does this make sense?
This has been a bit of a conundrum for me lately. How do I teach my kids to do a good job, to do chores, homework, give service to others, music practice with a whole-hearted effort even though they may not be motivated to do so? I don't want them to learn that being flaky is alright nor do I want them to learn that perfection is the only way. So what is one to do? Ask the perfect parent what works best for my kids.....the Father who has know us all the longest. I asked Heavenly Father. I was surprised at the simplicity of his answer and how much it made sense. I share hoping that it might help you as well.
The answer? Hold them to THEIR best. After they complete a task, doing dishes, scrubbing the toilet, completing homework.......stop and ask them and yourself if they have done THEIR best. My kids are not of equal capability to complete tasks. They will not be able look back, knowing that they had to be held to my high standards (aka perfection) as opposed to knowing that they were expected to do THEIR best. After all......realistically, logically.......that is what my Heavenly Father wants from me, despite what I may have been taught, what I may have perceived, or what I expect of myself.
Some of you may have known this already. I'm just learning this and I hope that it may help you as well.
Thank You for sacrificing your time to read what I had to share.
I mentioned in my last post about my writings. I have heard is said many times in the church how important it is to journal what is going on in our lives as a part of our history, to add to our family history. I've heard it encouraged in the counseling world, (my counselor included) how beneficial writing can be. Perhaps it is the ability to slow the mind down enough to put what you are thinking or feeling into words. Maybe it is the meditation that at times can accompany writing, many times with the spirit. Perhaps it is seeing the words that have come from your mind, coming out on paper, only to be read to go full circle into your mind again. I know many who see it as beneficial, an outlet in which to vent, or to organize what is going on with the turmoil inside.
Me? Not so much.....
I'm not very good at slowing my mind down or being able to come up with a complete cognitive thought, but it all comes down to the writing. Writing (for me) is usually seen as another way that ED attacks something for which can never be "good enough." He is constantly in my head belittling what I have to say, critiquing every little word, phrase, my grammar......often demanding a reason to why I am writing in the first place. Although I do have to tell him that no on may ever read what ever it is that I may write, he ignores that as meaningless and continues with the barrage of his two cents. The fact that I have a blog, that I post and at last count, have had over 1500 views is beyond comprehension. It'll be amazing if this post is kept and published to the blog. Maybe it is because of him that I don't write more often. It might be because of him that I feel the need to apologize to all who read this as I accept the fact that it probably not "good enough," that there are so many things that are not right, or correct or whatever whatever whatever.....(ED could go on forever!)
At least in writing and blogging, I try to take comfort in the fact that if readers don't really want to read what is shared, they don't have to. I don't know who does or doesn't read. There isn't really anything to be taken to personally as an attack of not having done anything "good enough." It becomes more problematic when it carries over into the interactions of life.....but I will save that for another post.
Please consider the idea that menial things, that you may never think twice about.....others struggle, doubt, wrestle with, and torment over.......whether they be wright, write, or right......
Hello to the masses. I feel the need to post tonight, but I'm not confident that this will make sense. I say that because I have a draft of another post for which I am yet unable to have it make sense, not to mention 'flowing well'. So if you're reading this......please bear with me.
I was talking with a friend this evening who asked how I was doing. With her, I try a little harder to be more honest, more so than giving the traditional "I'm fine" answer. So in an attempt to give a more heart felt answer, I tried to make sense of the non-sense that is going on in my head. It seems as though I am struggling. Then again, it seems like I'm always struggling. Is it just that I struggle in different degrees, and depending on the day I'm more or less likely to be resilient to the stress that is life?......to be resilient in the fight for recovery?
During the last couple of weeks, I've tried to write a little bit more as the wave of the need to isolate has consumed me. I have begun to notice a common thread in my writing as of late. (This is the part where I hope something makes sense to you, because it barely makes sense to me......) And yes, I'm sure this comes from ED, the demon who probably is Lucifer's brother, (dirty rotten devil...gggrrrrrr! ! ! !)
The continual theme is this: Why all the whining Alex? (Not my real name....) Why all the complaining Alex? You have so many blessings and you have been given so much......why can't you just be more grateful? Why are you saying this part is hard? Alex, you've been through worse before, and you didn't whine and complain as much as you do now. You are weak, and becoming weaker, more fragile......someone who needs to be 'handled'.....aren't you? You are just a pansy.
THAT struck a nerve with me.....being called a pansy. That is something my mother would call me when I was younger. She would say it in a half-hearted, sarcastic, yet semi-serious tone as her way of saying, "You need to toughen up!!" I had completely forgotten about that up until these last few weeks as her words have come back to haunt me. Now I hear that phrase so frequently as I feel more worn down in ED's constant, incessant, relentless berating. "Alex, no one invited you to any pity party. Just get over yourself. You're not that special anyhow. Buck up buttercup......You're just being a pansy."
I'm not sure really why I was supposed to submit this post. Awareness is a key step in recovery or progress in general. Perhaps this post is best served as a declaration of self awareness. I'll see where it goes from here.
Wednesday was April 15th. I was taking a personal day, trying to recover from being sick, having gotten an IV just the day before.
Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a history buff. April 15th, not just tax day but the anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic. I was hanging out on the couch, wanting to 'brush up' on my history buff wannabe side. I haven't seen a good documentary on the Titanic in awhile. Sure enough, Netflix didn't disappoint.
The one I watched was "Titanic's Final Mystery." It was done by the Smithsonian Channel. It was about an hour and a half on the basics of the tragedy of the Titanic, much of what I heard of before. But this one added a twist. They began to talk about the principle of refraction on the water, the mirage effect, and how light waves bend in the atmosphere. The theory behind this is because of all these put together, the crew on board the Titanic were deceived by the elements and were not able to see the fatal iceberg which under normal circumstances, they could seen 30 minutes in advance. Instead because of the deception of their own eyes, had only seconds to warn the others.
This was an excellent point of helping me see, from a different perspective how our own eyes, brains sensory systems can betray us. I've heard people say that they have to see it to believe it. So what happens when what we see, is not the truth!?!
The scientist that they followed ended with this conclusion: "Its almost as though Titanic sank in a killing zone of nature where all the very dangerous elements combined to make it fatal."
We've been taught that it is because of the Fall of Adam and the following circumstances where we have to overcome the natural man. Perhaps overcoming the natural man is more than overcoming sin or overcoming weakness. Perhaps it is ability to see what is true regardless of what our fallible, imperfect and subjective minds and eyes can see.
Today, we had Panda Express for lunch → Nothing new.
Today, I did not eat every little bite, I probably only had half, and I tossed out the rest. → Something VERY new.
Let me back up.
Once upon a time, well over decades ago....I was in grade school. While at school or at home, I would FREQUENTLY hear about all the starving people in Ethiopia, how they didn't have any food to eat, how they had something called a drought, and how I better eat everything on my plate or on my tray. If I didn't, there was a fair amount of shame about how ungrateful I was for what I had and didn't eat. "What if we had a drought.....Wouldn't you want all the kids of the world to be grateful for what they had?"
As a result, what happened? You couldn't leave anything behind. You ate every crumb, every grain of rice, and if you couldn't, you wrapped up those 0.75 ounces of gravy and saved it for another time. Being wasteful would also mean that you were ungrateful.
More times than not, I would end up eating as much as I could in one sitting. I know many others did as well. (I don't mean to overgeneralize, I'm just sharing my experience.) I often wonder about how many people developed poor health ideals from shame based eating. For me, I would eat to the point of making myself ill, then have to go purge for relief. (There is shame still with me sharing this......) Then inadvertently, I learned that purging = relief...physically, emotionally, psychologically... something that the neuro-pathways believe even today.
Looking back there a lot of little things that lead me to this addictive behavior. One of them was the deterrent from purging. The act of self induced vomiting is not pleasant, I know. However, it does provide an instant, intense albeit short lived sense of relief after the anxiety based activity of eating. So then what happens in turn? I decided not to eat. I would save myself the horror of doing something so deplorable as to purge, the shame of basically throwing money down the toilet, or the risk of getting caught somehow. So you abstain from food......and one can, for a long time. Then sooner or later, I would 'break-down' and eat. Then I would be so upset with myself that I would "have to" go purge....(that's what ED would tell me....).....then the vicious cycle would continue. This was the pattern I came up against about 4 years ago, the cycle that would eventually send me to treatment.
Today, I took a very slight step against the need or rather the feeling that I would be ungrateful if I didn't eat every little morsel. Looking back, I think I can honestly say that I tried my best, and I ate what I could....and there wouldn't be a need for future leftovers. I also hope this is a step towards having an abundance mentality and getting rid of the scarcity mentality.
Today I also learned that my gratitude is not found in what I have or do not have, it is not found in what I do or do not eat, it is not found in where I am or am not. How grateful I am doesn't necessarily increase my personal worth. Yes......I believe that gratitude can be a verb, being active or being an expression. Perhaps it can also be a quiet calm feeling while communing with Heaven, with an open heart and an open mind and an increased sense of awareness for what Father has given us.
And learning gratitude as an increased sense of awareness knowing it doesn't change our value, that he is our Father and we are his children could be something new.
In the last week, I have had a birthday. I'm shaking my head at myself as I write this. I am one year older, although I'm not positive I'm wiser for it. March is full of memorable "anniversaries." Most of which are not pleasant ones. However, it is the month in which I was born. For that reason, it is held dear regardless of what other unpleasant things have happened in March.
Because its been such a time for reflection, I can't help but think of where I've been.....remembering all of the unpleasant milestones that have been hit in March. May I share one.
This last week, three years ago, I had surgery. It was the month after I got home from treatment, but just a couple of days before my birthday. I cannot remember what specifically I was trying to avoid by having surgery just before my birthday, but I know I did it intentionally. It was a surgery that was required because of what I had done by participating in my eating disorder. I can't help but think that there was some shame associated with that decision. I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday, I certainly didn't feel worthy of any sort of celebration.
That was three years ago.....
This year in contrast was noticeably different. After shuffling my peeps onto the school bus, I headed back to bed. (I had half-heartedly joked with them, that I only wanted to sleep for my personal day.) Thankfully Heavenly Father had different plans for me. I was very reluctant at first to follow the 'nudges' he sent, but eventually I did. I ended up having an amazing day.....by far one of the best birthdays in recent memory, if not EVER! ! !
Reflecting back now, I cannot help but wonder what the difference is...I still struggle with depression, anxiety, and honestly do not believe I can accurately gauge where I am in my recovery process. I do not believe that my focus is actively towards recovery.
With that being said as I ask a question for all who take a moment to read this:
How do you measure where you are in your recovery?
How do you measure where you are in progression?
If we are not to compare ourselves with others, those around us, and we use our former selves as our own benchmark, how do we track progress? If we keep getting stuck in the pot holes that we gotten stuck in before, have we not learned? Is there no benefit in the learning curve of what we may have gained from doing this 5,658,235,741 times before???
I've heard it said that the average recovery time for one who struggles with eating disorders is aprox. 5-7 years. I'm not sure what the time frame is for other addiction processes, but I have little doubt that it can easily take just as long if not more so.
Are we slower to learn because of the nature of addictive behavior?
Are we slower to learn because perhaps we have offended the spirit?
Are we slower to learn because of the fall?
Are we slower to learn because of the natural man?
Or perhaps its D) All of the above.
I would REALLY APPRECIATE to have your feedback and perspective on this.
By team, I mean my support team. Those who have gained trust, who I respect and rely on to call me on behaviors, thinking patterns, and self-talk that is out of line with recovery.
And by amazing, I mean A.MAZE.ING ! ! !
How can I possible thank or repay those who have done so much to help me? How do I convey the importance of their perspective? I understand its their job or that they feel fulfilled in what they do. I understand that they probably don't think of me again after I walk out the door.
So then, I cannot help but wonder.........What kind of difference do I make to others ! ? !
Have you ever had a day where something really small, made an impressionable difference? Do you remember a day where a smile, a simple "Hello," or deliberate wave really picked up your day?
1)What did someone else do to help pick you up?
2)Did you do a simple act of kindness for anyone today? (And perhaps you didn't even know it!?!)
I could come up with a bazillion different reasons why its been so long since I've posted. I'm not sure any of those matter.
I went to an Addiction Recovery Program meeting this evening. I cannot remember the last time I attended one. Its been quite awhile. I have been very reflective this weekend. Yesterday was the anniversary of my flight home from rehab. While being in the reflective state, along with a fantastic conversation in Relief Society (about choices and agency for which the conversation then flowed on into addictions, how they in turn can distort and destroy out ability to choose...See lesson here.) I followed the prompting to attend ARP.
There were all new faces. Those for whom I did not know their story, the same way they did not know mine. What I am continually struck with every time I attend, is that no matter the circumstance, no matter how broken we are or might feel, no matter how far off the path we have wandered, no matter where on (or off course) in our journey we may be..........Heavenly Father ALWAYS blesses his spirit to be there and attend those meetings with us. We can feel as though we are not beyond the realm of God's redeeming and merciful reach, that the Atonement can still to apply to us no matter how often the adversary tells us otherwise.
Its been during this last week, for circumstances which are beyond my control, that I've come across a major boulder in my path. As much as I've felt as though I want to throw my hands up in the air and proclaim defeat, (because there seem to be endless boulders I come across) I will take baby steps to follow the promptings I've been given. If it is only to show obedience to Heavenly Father, I hope that will count as enough.
This was an excellent point of helping me see, from a different perspective how our own eyes, brains sensory systems can betray us. I've heard people say that they have to see it to believe it. So what happens when what we see, is not the truth!?!
Today I also learned that my gratitude is not found in what I have or do not have, it is not found in what I do or do not eat, it is not found in where I am or am not. How grateful I am doesn't necessarily increase my personal worth. Yes......I believe that gratitude can be a verb, being active or being an expression. Perhaps it can also be a quiet calm feeling while communing with Heaven, with an open heart and an open mind and an increased sense of awareness for what Father has given us. 
