When 20,760 isn't enough......

Let me just start by saying that I previously have learned the theory behind compulsive obsessive disorder or OCD. I've learned that it is a mechanism used to lessen anxiety, a ritualistic behavior that may help one feel in control. I remember in treatment, how many others had OCD as a co-diagnosis.......that they would hold groups for those with OCD. I did not attend those groups because they did not pertain to me.

Now lets fast forward 2+ years to today.

I have a widget on my phone that acts as a pedometer, counting my steps as I go about my day. When I first discovered this widget, I thought if it as nothing more than something fun to look at, kinda like scrolling thru my Facebook page. I tried it out for a little bit, and eventually found it to be fairly accurate in its data collection.
I'm all for goals. So when this amazing feature of technology told me that I should try to get 10,000 steps every day, I didn't argue. At first, I didn't do so great with it. However, as time has gone on, getting those 10,000 steps everyday became more of a priority. Even going out to get my 'mileage' in after the kids had gone to bed and the sun had long since set. In the last couple of weeks, the compulsion to get as many steps in as possible has elevated into its own kind of demon. It wasn't very long ago that I was walking as much and as fast as I could before the clock changed to midnight, which would move the pedometer back to zero. Before I knew it, that's exactly what had happened. I looked to find that I had only accomplished a mere 9,637 steps. To say that I was disappointed, would be an understatement. I'm sure the fit I threw may have resembled that of a 3 year old who didn't get what they wanted.
I have heard in recovery circles, the idea of excessive exercise. I have questioned what that may have meant because how can you have too much exercise, how can you ever have too much of something so healthy?

Tonight, I have the answer. It becomes impeding when a substance, a behavior, a routine, a mechanism of control becomes its own addiction. I have become addicted to my 'mileage.' I cannot go to bed without getting it in. I cannot even consider giving it up. I know that I take more steps than what the widget on the smart phone may say.......after all, I'm still on the move while the phone is charging up. The compulsion comes in when the number on my widget, trumps anything else. When it takes precedence over time with my kids or taking care of any other essential and needful things, I am slowly beginning to be able to realized that there might be something to be said about the old adage. "Moderation in All things!!
Tonight, I went to go get my mileage in. when I began, my pedometer read 6,832. I heard the voice that told me that this would be quick and painless. But as I continued to do my laps, I felt that compulsion to keep going. Just one more lap, just one more lap.......Isn't that interesting how the adversary works. Just a little more.....just a little more. It reminds me of some scriptures:

From :
Alma 37:6
Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

I remember being taught that that scripture was about the good, uplifting, positive things like all of the typical Sunday school answers. I am finding it to be true about the good and the bad.

I continued on in doing my laps and found myself pleading with Father above to help me not go all night. I was able to call it done after 2,0760 steps.
Even with this new record, I still do not feel as though I've done enough.

Does anyone have any tips about getting past the compulsions?
What have you found to be most effective?


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Your body is not your masterpiece

Tonight, I just wanted to share a post that a friend had shared with me. I appreciate a change in perspective whenever someone else is willing to share because I hope that the more clearly I can see, the better off I'll be.



Your body is not your masterpiece – your life is.....

http://momastery.com/blog/2014/07/06/body-masterpiece/

"Would you please come check on me?"

Allow me to share an experience that happened during this last week.....

As is frequently the case on days I work, my kids called to tell me good night, because they usually climb into bed before I get home. On this particular night, I didn't get to answer my phone in time and my kids left me a voice mail.
I LOVE voicemail. It give me a chance to capture and save sweet messages of the funny things my kids say, those who call to express care and concern, tender messages of gratitude, encouragement and cheering, and in one particular case, the priceless gift of listening to a friends voice who has passed from this life due to cancer.
On the evening for which I'm sharing, it was a message from my daughter. I could hear in her voice that she had had a tough day. Her message was a simple but powerful one. She summed it up by sweetly asking, "Would you please come check on me?"
It does not happen very often, but on occasion, the Spirit will allow me a glimpse of how my relationship as a mom, can help me in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. This is one of those occasions.
I've been struggling with my prayers lately......saying them at all. Struggling in this relapse, feeling guilty about not doing better, for not pulling up and out of it by now.....where in ED leaves me feeling unworthy to pray, which adds to the isolation thus promoting the downward spiral. However, I do feel Fathers encouragement for me to 'check-in' with him......just as I would imagine I would do with my children, if I noticed one of them were struggling. It's during times like this where my prayers (when I utter them) are more sincere, more heartfelt, with a bit more pleading. I remember during a previous relapse simply pleading with Heavenly Father, that he might hold on to me, because I was not confident in my strength to hold onto him.

And so it is tonight. While I feel as though asking for so many things from Heaven above might seem an act of selfishness, (another trait ED teaches to put me down), my prayer tonight is a simple although seemingly inconsequential one.....
Heavenly Father "Would you please come check on me?"

Pushing against the rock.....

I first came across this story while I was serving my mission. I thought that it was a great story then. However, for some reason now, it seems that much more applicable and poignant to me.
Perhaps we are not to move the rock, but to learn what we can while we push against it.

 

 



Pushing Against The Rock

By Anonymous

 

There was a man who was asleep one night in his cabin when suddenly his room was filled with light and the Savior appeared.  The Lord told him he had a work for him to do, and showed him a large rock, explaining that he was to push against that rock with all of his might.  This the man did, and for many days he toiled from sunup to sundown; his shoulder set squarely against the cold massive surface of the rock pushing with all his might.  Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture - placing thoughts in the man's mind, such as "Why kill yourself over this, you're never going to move it," or "Boy, you've been at it a long time and you haven't even scratched the surface," etc. - giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was an unworthy servant because he wasn't moving the massive stone.

These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man and he started to ease up in his efforts.  "Why kill myself?' he thought.  "I'll just put in my time, putting forth just the minimum of effort and that will be good enough."  And that he did, or at least planned on doing until one day he decided to take his troubles to the Lord.  "Lord," he said, "I have labored hard and long in your service, putting forth all my strength to do that which you have asked of me.  Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock half a millimeter.  What is wrong?  Why am I failing?"

To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My friend...when long ago I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you to push against the rock with all our strength, and that you have done.  But never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it.  At least not by yourself.  Your task was to push and now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed and ready to quit.  But is that really so?  Look at yourself.  Your arms are strong and muscled.  Your hands are calloused from constant pressure and your legs have become massive and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much and your ability now far surpasses that which you used to have.  Yet still, you haven't succeeded in moving the rock; and you come to me now with a heavy heart and your strength spent.  I, my friend will move the rock.  Your calling was to be obedient and to push, and to exercise your faith and trust in my wisdom...and this you have done.

Jesus will always be loving you.

A couple of weeks ago, I went out to the movies.......(NOT a kids movie).......by myself. The day had left me slightly wounded and I wanted to do something to put myself back together. So I went to the late night showing of "Mom's Night Out." (Not to worry. My kids are of the age to watch themselves when they are a wake, although it is a bit safer to leave them when they are asleep. Not to mention their excitement to use the phone whenever there is the slightest excuse.)

I have become somewhat accustomed to going to movies by myself, so it was not awkward for me to go in, paying my way then finding a seat wherever I wanted to sit. The movie began and I found myself hooked to the storyline, laughing at what the main character (Allyson) and I had in common. I found it to be just a fun movie.....up until one particular scene.

Allow me to give some background.

Allyson (played by Sarah Drew) goes on a "Mom's Night Out" with some friends from her church. Somehow in a tangled mess, they cross paths with Bones (played by Trace Adkins) a guy from a biker gang who works in a tattoo parlor. It is a bit of an oxymoron to see them all together. Anyhow.....there is a scene as most of the women from this group end up in jail. Allyson and Bones are sitting together as Allyson begins to lament about how she feels about herself.

Allyson: "I am a failure. I have failed again. That's all I do. I had a plan. I was going to help myself and help my friends unplug and have fun........and instead.........  I can't, I can't get in front of it. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, I just......am not enough."

Bones: "For who?

Allyson: "What?"

Bones: "Not enough for who?"

Allyson: "I mean......Sean, the kids, my mother, God, everybody, I don't know."

Bones: "You? Not enough for you."
             
"I was raised in church. This might surprise you but I have since drifted from the faith. My momma worked three jobs, I never met my daddy. I had to get up early and walk to school but I'd wait up for her.....coming home from the diner. I'd wait up every night, cuz she'd come home and put me to bed, and she'd tell me something. She'd tell me the same thing every night. 'He loves you Charles, no matter who you are, no matter what you do or how far you run, Jesus will always be loving you with his arms open wide just for being you.' And I'd smile and go off to sleep......
You know I saw something on Pinterest the other day. It was an eagle, just caring for its young. Its a beautiful thing to watch one of Gods creations just doing what he made it to do.....just being an eagle. And that's enough. Ya'll spend so much time beating yourselves up, it must be exhausting. Let me tell you something girl. I doubt the good Lord made a mistake giving your kiddos the momma he did. So you just be.....you. He'll take care of the rest."



I guess one of the reasons I thought this was so insightful was because of my current circumstances, this scene could have played out in my own life. I have admitted (a little bit ago) to falling to relapse. I was telling my dietitian about it when she stopped me and said, "So......your not doing relapse the right way?"

I was silent.

She was right. Not realizing it, what I had described was that I was relapsing the wrong way (if that makes any sense). That I was not relapsing well enough, or at least that is what the ED in my head was telling me. This was new to me. In any previous relapse, I do not remember ED telling me the extent by which I needed to carry out behaviors. Now he had, and to that set of standards, I was not enough. I know logically this is asinine. However, I'm yet to see addictions or mental illness adhere to a specific rigid criteria.

In our house, we have a couple of buckets. We have our "Love Buckets" and we have our "Patience Buckets." We rate them on a scale, giving it a number by which we can let each other know if we are getting low on a particular bucket. (0 is the lowest, 10 is the most.) The one we seem to have talked about the most lately is our "Patience Bucket." It is a common occurrence (especially after I'm finishing a 12 hour day at work) for the kids to ask me "How much patience do you have left?" usually followed by a comedic "Did you give all of your patience to your patients?"
Lately my kids have helped me realize that I hardly ever have any patience, even first thing in the morning. This helps me recognize that my alexithymia is getting in the way. So I've been trying to figure out what to do about it. I've been taught that the first step is awareness, so now that I recognize that my patience is gone, what can I do about it? Of course it makes sense to me to go to the one who knows me better that I can possibly understand myself and I ask him, the Creator of us all. After a little bit of time, at a time when I can best understand, the Sprit nudges me with the answer. During a time of relapse, while I have been restricting food, I have also been restricting emotion.
In other words? I think I might be in need of a good cry.

The parable with this is to think of a pressure cooker. After time, heat, stress, pressure (along with life's circumstances), the pressure cooker needs a valve by which to release steam. If there is no controlled way to release steam, the pressure inside have no other alternative than to cause a bit of  an explosion, damaging whatever (or whoever) is in its path. (I'm pretty sure that parable came from my counselor, so I can't take credit for it.)
I need to release some steam so as to more effectively fill my "Patience Bucket." I don't ever remember seeing the need to have a valve to release while still trying to fill something up.......(something I'm going to have to continue to think through.)

I'm not very good at releasing or crying, although being aware of this now could help me know that I need to practice 'feeling' more.

Does anyone else struggle with FEELING emotions? How do you effectively cope?

What I do know is that I want to buy one of my new favorite movies!