I have become somewhat accustomed to going to movies by myself, so it was not awkward for me to go in, paying my way then finding a seat wherever I wanted to sit. The movie began and I found myself hooked to the storyline, laughing at what the main character (Allyson) and I had in common. I found it to be just a fun movie.....up until one particular scene.
Allow me to give some background.
Allyson (played by Sarah Drew) goes on a "Mom's Night Out" with some friends from her church. Somehow in a tangled mess, they cross paths with Bones (played by Trace Adkins) a guy from a biker gang who works in a tattoo parlor. It is a bit of an oxymoron to see them all together. Anyhow.....there is a scene as most of the women from this group end up in jail. Allyson and Bones are sitting together as Allyson begins to lament about how she feels about herself.
Allyson: "I am a failure. I have failed again. That's all I do. I had a plan. I was going to help myself and help my friends unplug and have fun........and instead......... I can't, I can't get in front of it. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, I just......am not enough."
Bones: "For who?
Allyson: "What?"
Bones: "Not enough for who?"
Allyson: "I mean......Sean, the kids, my mother, God, everybody, I don't know."
Bones: "You? Not enough for you."
"I was raised in church. This might surprise you but I have since drifted from the faith. My momma worked three jobs, I never met my daddy. I had to get up early and walk to school but I'd wait up for her.....coming home from the diner. I'd wait up every night, cuz she'd come home and put me to bed, and she'd tell me something. She'd tell me the same thing every night. 'He loves you Charles, no matter who you are, no matter what you do or how far you run, Jesus will always be loving you with his arms open wide just for being you.' And I'd smile and go off to sleep......
You know I saw something on Pinterest the other day. It was an eagle, just caring for its young. Its a beautiful thing to watch one of Gods creations just doing what he made it to do.....just being an eagle. And that's enough. Ya'll spend so much time beating yourselves up, it must be exhausting. Let me tell you something girl. I doubt the good Lord made a mistake giving your kiddos the momma he did. So you just be.....you. He'll take care of the rest."
I guess one of the reasons I thought this was so insightful was because of my current circumstances, this scene could have played out in my own life. I have admitted (a little bit ago) to falling to relapse. I was telling my dietitian about it when she stopped me and said, "So......your not doing relapse the right way?"
I was silent.
She was right. Not realizing it, what I had described was that I was relapsing the wrong way (if that makes any sense). That I was not relapsing well enough, or at least that is what the ED in my head was telling me. This was new to me. In any previous relapse, I do not remember ED telling me the extent by which I needed to carry out behaviors. Now he had, and to that set of standards, I was not enough. I know logically this is asinine. However, I'm yet to see addictions or mental illness adhere to a specific rigid criteria.
In our house, we have a couple of buckets. We have our "Love Buckets" and we have our "Patience Buckets." We rate them on a scale, giving it a number by which we can let each other know if we are getting low on a particular bucket. (0 is the lowest, 10 is the most.) The one we seem to have talked about the most lately is our "Patience Bucket." It is a common occurrence (especially after I'm finishing a 12 hour day at work) for the kids to ask me "How much patience do you have left?" usually followed by a comedic "Did you give all of your patience to your patients?"
Lately my kids have helped me realize that I hardly ever have any patience, even first thing in the morning. This helps me recognize that my alexithymia is getting in the way. So I've been trying to figure out what to do about it. I've been taught that the first step is awareness, so now that I recognize that my patience is gone, what can I do about it? Of course it makes sense to me to go to the one who knows me better that I can possibly understand myself and I ask him, the Creator of us all. After a little bit of time, at a time when I can best understand, the Sprit nudges me with the answer. During a time of relapse, while I have been restricting food, I have also been restricting emotion.
In other words? I think I might be in need of a good cry.
The parable with this is to think of a pressure cooker. After time, heat, stress, pressure (along with life's circumstances), the pressure cooker needs a valve by which to release steam. If there is no controlled way to release steam, the pressure inside have no other alternative than to cause a bit of an explosion, damaging whatever (or whoever) is in its path. (I'm pretty sure that parable came from my counselor, so I can't take credit for it.)
I need to release some steam so as to more effectively fill my "Patience Bucket." I don't ever remember seeing the need to have a valve to release while still trying to fill something up.......(something I'm going to have to continue to think through.)
I'm not very good at releasing or crying, although being aware of this now could help me know that I need to practice 'feeling' more.
Does anyone else struggle with FEELING emotions? How do you effectively cope?
What I do know is that I want to buy one of my new favorite movies!
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