One year older......

In the last week, I have had a birthday. I'm shaking my head at myself as I write this. I am one year older, although I'm not positive I'm wiser for it. March is full of memorable "anniversaries." Most of which are not pleasant ones. However, it is the month in which I was born. For that reason, it is held dear regardless of what other unpleasant things have happened in March.

Because its been such a time for reflection, I can't help but think of where I've been.....remembering all of the unpleasant milestones that have been hit in March. May I share one.

This last week, three years ago, I had surgery. It was the month after I got home from treatment, but just a couple of days before my birthday. I cannot remember what specifically I was trying to avoid by having surgery just before my birthday, but I know I did it intentionally. It was a surgery that was required because of what I had done by participating in my eating disorder. I can't help but think that there was some shame associated with that decision. I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday, I certainly didn't feel worthy of any sort of celebration.

That was three years ago.....

This year in contrast was noticeably different. After shuffling my peeps onto the school bus, I headed back to bed. (I had half-heartedly joked with them, that I only wanted to sleep for my personal day.) Thankfully Heavenly Father had different plans for me. I was very reluctant at first to follow the 'nudges' he sent, but eventually I did. I ended up having an amazing day.....by far one of the best birthdays in recent memory, if not EVER! ! !

Reflecting back now, I cannot help but wonder what the difference is...I still struggle with depression, anxiety, and honestly do not believe I can accurately gauge where I am in my recovery process. I do not believe that my focus is actively towards recovery.

With that being said as I ask a question for all who take a moment to read this:

How do you measure where you are in your recovery?
How do you measure where you are in progression?

If we are not to compare ourselves with others, those around us, and we use our former selves as our own benchmark, how do we track progress? If we keep getting stuck in the pot holes that we gotten stuck in before, have we not learned? Is there no benefit in the learning curve of what we may have gained from doing this 5,658,235,741 times before???

I've heard it said that the average recovery time for one who struggles with eating disorders is aprox. 5-7 years. I'm not sure what the time frame is for other addiction processes, but I have little doubt that it can easily take just as long if not more so.

Are we slower to learn because of the nature of addictive behavior?
Are we slower to learn because perhaps we have offended the spirit?
Are we slower to learn because of the fall?
Are we slower to learn because of the natural man?
Or perhaps its D) All of the above.

I would REALLY APPRECIATE to have your feedback and perspective on this.

Amazing Team

I have an amazing team.

By team, I mean my support team. Those who have gained trust, who I respect and rely on to call me on behaviors, thinking patterns, and self-talk that is out of line with recovery.

And by amazing, I mean A.MAZE.ING ! ! !

How can I possible thank or repay those who have done so much to help me? How do I convey the importance of their perspective? I understand its their job or that they feel fulfilled in what they do.  I understand that they probably don't think of me again after I walk out the door.

So then, I cannot help but wonder.........What kind of difference do I make to others ! ? !

Have you ever had a day where something really small, made an impressionable difference? Do you remember a day where a smile, a simple "Hello," or deliberate wave really picked up your day?


1)What did someone else do to help pick you up?

2)Did you do a simple act of kindness for anyone today? (And perhaps you didn't even know it!?!)

3)How far does your team extend?

Infinite Light....

I could come up with a bazillion different reasons why its been so long since I've posted. I'm not sure any of those matter.
I went to an Addiction Recovery Program meeting this evening. I cannot remember the last time I attended one. Its been quite awhile. I have been very reflective this weekend. Yesterday was the anniversary of my flight home from rehab. While being in the reflective state, along with a fantastic conversation in Relief Society (about choices and agency for which the conversation then flowed on into addictions, how they in turn can distort and destroy out ability to choose...See lesson here.) I followed the prompting to attend ARP.

There were all new faces. Those for whom I did not know their story, the same way they did not know mine. What I am continually struck with every time I attend, is that no matter the circumstance, no matter how broken we are or might feel, no matter how far off the path we have wandered, no matter where on (or off course) in our journey we may be..........Heavenly Father ALWAYS blesses his spirit to be there and attend those meetings with us. We can feel as though we are not beyond the realm of God's redeeming and merciful reach, that the Atonement can still to apply to us no matter how often the adversary tells us otherwise.
Its been during this last week, for circumstances which are beyond my control, that I've come across a major boulder in my path. As much as I've felt as though I want to throw my hands up in the air and proclaim defeat, (because there seem to be endless boulders I come across) I will take baby steps to follow the promptings I've been given. If it is only to show obedience to Heavenly Father, I hope that will count as enough.

The Addiction Parable.....

Allow me to begin this post by explaining that I cannot take any credit for the content of this post. So much of this comes from my therapist and I want to make sure credit is given where it is due. His name is Bob and I have known him for years. He is excellent at what he does, prompted by the spirit, able to quote scripture and conference talks, challenges irrational thinking, repeats teaching things he has taught hundreds of times before, and is steadfast and immovable. I call him an eternal optimist. I only wish everyone could have such a positive influence in their corner.

He is amazing at parables. Bob has a gift to share a twist on perspective by the parables/stories he tells. They are realistic, down to earth and very relatable. It is with his permission that I share 'The Addiction Parable.'

It was a couple of months ago that I walked into his office and made myself at home like I usually do. I began by giving a report of where I was, the progress (or in this case.......regress) that I made. He shook his head knowingly. This is not the first relapse I've tried to navigate. His name is Bob and he is a master addictions counselor. He knows, perhaps more than any other, the foundational irrational thought process from which addictions form and persist.

He asks if I've ever been water skiing before. I nod my head and reply with a half-hearted laugh that I've made the attempt. He continues by reminding me that water skiing is made of 3 separate steps. The first part is about being IN the water. You ensure your life jacket is on tightly. You put the ski's on. You grab the rope. All the while, you are IN the water.
The third part is about being UP ON the water. It is the feeling of success. It is where you can gain more skill and talent. It is knowing that you figured out what it takes for you to be UP ON the water.
Then he pauses for a moment.......and backs up.
The second part is when you've signaled for the driver of the boat to go for it. You are holding onto the rope for dear life, being drug thru water that is as thick as cement, trying not to drown let alone swallow (or inhale) any of the water, trying to force your legs up to be on top of the cement..........all while trying to breathe.

Another pause.......before the ensuing explanation and discussion of each of the three steps. The third step is a given. That is what recovery is like. There is a sense of satisfaction, the practice it takes to get there, the skill it takes to stay there, and the sheer knowledge that you did it. The first step is being fully engulfed IN the addiction, actively participating IN the behavior. It is a step of treading water to try to maintain survival. The longer your in the water, the more tired you become. If you do not have a life jacket (or support system) your resources and be spent quickly.
The second step is the war. It is doing what it takes to stick with it and hold on. Doing what it takes includes going to my therapist and dietitian. It includes touching base with my accountability team and being honest to them. It includes working the steps and trusting in the process. It is reaching out asking for help as needed as opposed to falling into the trap of withdrawal and isolation, in which secrets and sickness persist.

This parable rung true to me. It made perfect sense. I share it with you in hopes that you may in turn, share it with others. I really hope it can be used as a tool to help those who do not have much experience with addictions or addictive behaviors, be able to have a different perspective to see (in a small glimpse) what the battles are like.



Thank You for reading.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Recovery-Position/537177216405518

Tender Mercies

This last week, amongst the chaos this week was, I took my daughter to get a violin because she has expressed an interest in orchestra. As I opportunity I had to do this with her, it struck a memory for me.

Please allow me to share with you.

A couple of weeks ago, I took my kids to Salt Lake City for our traditional 'hoopla' back to school trip. It is tradition for us to take care of some business and include back to school shopping as well as play as much and as hard as we can as a celebratory "ITS BEEN GREAT!" farewell to summer.
This time was no different.

We were able to attend the Ogden Temple open house, to marvel and feel the spirit of another House of the Lord before its dedication. More than anything, I was struck with the artwork that now resides there. I was not lucky enough to get the details about it I was hoping for, but I pray that it will be shown to me sooner than later.
We spent time across the street at the Treehouse Children's Museum. The kids had a great time with that.
Of course there was more shopping than I'd like to admit, but we did get it all done. It is amazing that something I save so long for can be gone in a matter of hours.
Because we ended up staying on a Sunday, we were privileged to attend "Music & the Spoken Word" in the Conference Center. I have heard the tabernacle choir many times on CD or mp3 player, but those touching renditions pale in comparison to the experience of listening to them in person. It was our first time attending "Music & the Spoken Word" and we thoroughly enjoyed it. On the particular day we attended, the orchestra was also there and playing. My daughter would later tell me that it was this experience where she gained a desire to be part of an orchestra, and that she wanted to play the violin. We walked around temple square some, even going inside the tabernacle as I tried to explain to my children that 'Once upon a time, before the conference center was........the tabernacle was the only place to hold General Conference'.  I'm not sure they fully understood, but they wanted me to share their most favorite story about the tabernacle, so I did my best.
We then proceeded to the South Visitors Center. As we walked in, on a large screen they were playing various "I am a Mormon" clips. I'm sure they do that frequently, but the one they were playing the moment we walked in, stopped me in my tracks.

Perhaps it was the part where Lindsey talks about her core beliefs about having worth because she is a daughter of God.......that struck me more than anything else we did on that trip.
I've heard it said that a coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous, but the timing that this particular clip at the very moment I walked in was more than a coincidence......This was a tender mercy. (Did you notice she's playing a violin?)

Thank You Lindsey Sterling! You have two new fans in our household! !