Acting Opposite

During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them.

Prolouge:
My mother and I have a strained and in turn superficial relationship. It makes family interaction (especially during the holidays) challenging.
The reference from The Arena comes from Brene Brown's book 'Daring Greatly'

So my accomplishments from yesterday: 

I went with my mom to her doctors appointment. She believes her cardio ablation has failed in efficacy because of the return of palpitations.

(I'm sure you understand me doing anything like this is a MAJOR acting opposite event..... as was going out to brunch with her afterwards.) 

Father in his infinite mercy & TLC blessed me with a different set of ears & eyes while I was with her.  

While at the doctors office she stepped on the scale & overly complained about her weight which is comparable to mine. The symptoms she described, I would have defined as anxiety. She's was admittedly grossly noncompliant with her beta-blockers. She was obsessive about the carb/calorie count of what we ate. It dawned on me how insecure she truly is. 

I could feel Father smiling down as he showed me that she is just as broken as I am (if not more so)..... that her self denial & condescending perspective impedes her progress. It is my acceptance, my stubborn (begrudging) willingness (😄 LOL) to do what it takes, that will break this cycle between generations. Me emotion coaching my kids will help them be healthier. I need not give too much credence to those who are not in the arena or whose thinking is just as disordered or more so than mine. 

Now knowing that I only slept about 2.5 hours & have been up since 2:30am, you must realize that last paragraph did not come from me.

I have only endured this seemingly endless night THNX to Nathan Pacheco & this song on my phone that had played on a repeated loop since about 3am. 

https://youtu.be/6nJ0PZt05H4

I hope you have a fantastic day

Me

Citizenship in a Republic AKA The Man in the Arena

In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown cites a speech given by President Theodore Roosevelt. President Roosevelt gave a speech in Paris in April of 1910. The title of this speech was known as Citizenship in a Republic. Over time, it has more commonly become known as The Man in the Arena. May I suggest that on occasion, perhaps at the beginning of a new year, we take pause to reflect upon which we are. Are we on the sidelines or are we fighting? I would also encourage that we not give time or mental space to those whose thinking is just as disordered (or more so) than our own.

It is not the critic who counts;

not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles,

or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly; who errs,

who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms,

the great devotions;

who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,

and who at the worst,

if he fails,

at least fails while daring greatly,

so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Anyhow:

During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them. 

So my smart watch says that I slept from 11:45PM to 1:35AM......that's it. More or less, that's how it's been all week.  I last worked Monday night. And it's not because my mind is racing, cuz it's not. It's rather blank. 

Any insights? What should I review to get some sleep!?! 

**UGH**

Anyhow: 

Homework: 

1)I'm thankful I didn't have to go anywhere yesterday......I could just stay home.

2)I'm thankful the kids liked what I made for dinner...... that & there was a decrease of fighting between them. 

3)Although it was an anniversary of a very bad incident (that we've done BIRRT for) it was not sad or depressing, but rather.... there was a somber peace about remembering & being grateful to those who helped us that night. 

Thnx 

Me

Homework

During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them. 

My apologies in missing a few days. I'm still trying to figure out how to best accommodate for working nights. 

1) I'm grateful for the sleep I do get & doing a little better with getting up & doing things in the hours in the middle of the night when I'm unable to sleep. 

2)This is going to sound petty, but I got my first FB friend request from a co-worker on Labor & Delivery. It's taken 3 months. That meant so much to me......I can't even explain!!!

3)I went out to lunch today with a friend. Afterwards, I had the urge to purge.... (SO INTENSELY) but I came home and took a nap instead. Hopefully being avoidant isn't all bad. 

4) I'm grateful to have a vehicle with all wheel drive this winter. The payments are overwhelming.... but buying something with a forclosure in my credit has left me in a tough spot. 

Thank You 

Me

Homework 12-1-17

 During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them. 

I must really need this homework assignment today..... cuz I'm struggling to follow thru with it.

1) Even though all of our tempers were really keyed up today,  we seemed to end the day with a little bit of love. 

2) I got out of the house, (which was acting opposite.)

3) I ate fast food breakfast (a fear food) with T after I picked her up from physical therapy before I took her to school. 

Me

PS. This took me 30 minutes.

*sigh*

'I hope you know, I had a hard time.'

Homework 11-30-17

 During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them. 

So I got 3 hours of sleep before I woke up and now I'm laying here feeling the nudges of some homework.....so here's my homework response.

During the holiday season in our home, it is a tradition for the peeps to have their own set of Christmas lights in their bedroom. It represents the light of Christ. We share the light of Christ by doing service for others. In order to have their Christmas lights on at night, each kiddo shares what their service was that day.

This evening, J REALLY struggled to remember some act of service...... but he also REALLY wanted his lights on tonight. He finally remembered that he made dinner which was a service to his family (especially his mom! )

I think that's how it's going to be for me as I strive to share 3 positives with you about my day. I believe that it's REALLY going to be a struggle for me to inconvenience you by sharing & it's REALLY going to be a struggle to do it daily, but that's the homework sent from above & in turn...... the goal thru the end of the year.
Sooooo here it goes.

3 (+) from 11-29-17

1) I was scheduled to work the day, but was put on call.
2) As a result of being put on call, I got to sleep 5 more hours during the day.
3) J made dinner.


Stupid, huh?

O L

Me

Homework 11-29-17

Because I'm feeling as though I should share with you some homework I've been assigned. During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them. 

As I respond to your text please note that this is a massive acting opposite event. Not that I'm trying to ignore you, but answering today is challenging. 

Thanksgiving was alright. It was mostly superficial which was just fine with me. My mom continues to undermine what she would have me do. I got to leave at a decent time because I was scheduled to work that night. I ended up being put on call. The days after have been challenging because my clothes feel tighter. The scale is the same but I feel my clothes are tighter which makes my anxiety increase. It makes me feel as though I need to do something drastic quickly. I succumbed to my sister-in-law and signed up under my mom in the pyramid scheme which is Plexus Slim. A weight loss product and supplements that are meant to benefit probiotics in the digestive system but for which the name explains is meant to be for weight loss. I've been struggling with how to take that....knowing that my sister-in-law knows very well my history that it's Thanksgiving holiday season, that my clothes feel tighter and that I do feel like I need to do something drastic. 

Then and contrast that with when I went to work Monday night and saw a fascinating display between two sisters helping another sister who was going through labor pains of having natural childbirth.  It was truly one of the most exemplary things I have ever been blessed to witness. They commended their wonderful angel-like mother for teaching them so well and I was sincerely touched with the Christ-like love that they showed towards each other. I wish(ed) so desperately to be a part of that level of loving sisterhood. To see the look of love and concern on one sisters face or how willing another sister was, is something I hope I remember forever!!!

And then I drove home from work from which Ed ripped me up one side and down the other In the comparison of the two. I was extremely distraught and texted her friend to help me try to calm down before I tried to go to sleep. Looking back now I understand that my emotions are a little more intense than normal cuz I haven't been able to sleep more than 3 to 4 hours at a time for the last couple of days. I would much rather belong to the group of sisters who are lovingly trying to help each other through a life-changing event rather than be pegged for one because of looks and insecurities and an easy financial opportunity. 

Thank you for texting me this morning. Knowing that I'm thought of & cared about, means more than I can adequately express! 

I hope you have a great week! 

Me

Call it what it is.....

Have you ever caught yourself stuck in a ‘vain repetition’ as far as prayer is concerned? Have you ever caught yourself praying for the same thing over and over again? I know that we have been cautioned about sending prayers up repetitiously. What do we do when that is how our heart truly feels? What do we do when those are our heart sincere desires? I don’t think I’ve prayed for anything more than for Heaven’s help to help me endure the day, overcome the demons in those impossible moments…..the number one thing I hear myself saying? “Heavenly Father, PLEASE help me to do this…..”  regardless of what the “this” may be.

Have you seen one of the newest videos put out by the church to help educate children on the dangers of pornography? We have reviewed in our home. It gives a three step process on what to do when they are confronted with it. The first step is to call it what it is. The second step is to turn it off and to turn away. Or in other words……to stop it. The third step? They teach kids to talk to a trusted adult. 

When I first saw this video, I thought it was very smart of the church to present it with kids talking and very helpful for me of knowing how to approach the subject with my kids. As far as I can remember, we only reviewed it one time for FHE a while ago. However, it has come to my mind many times in the last few weeks as I’ve identified my relapse. I feel ‘nudged’ from Heavenly Father to use these same steps in MY process. (Perhaps it's not necessary for you, but THANK YOU for letting my share my perspective! ! ! )

First of all, I need to call it what it is. Relapse. That is what it is. If I shirk around with an ill-defined concept of my current location, I will not be able to gauge where to go from here. In my reading of eating disorder literature during this last week, I remember an article that gave the suggestion that not defining your current state can leave one in denial; the same general premise that our secrets keep us sick. Then moving on to step two is to turn away. From any other addiction I can think of, this is true. Of eating disorders, it is the abstaining that is the problem. Step three? Talk with a trusted adult. Therapist, trusted friend, support group, sponsor, accountability partners……whoever it may be. This I find insightful as I am still evaluating the suggestion that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but rather connection.

I only hope that perhaps these three steps in this perspective may be of benefit to someone else out there.

No matter how hopeless or broken we might feel.

According to the dictionary:

     lapse → is a temporary failure of concentration, memory or judgement (noun)
     lapse → to pass gradually into an inferior state or condition (verb)

     Its origin in Latin is labi, which means to slip or fall.


According to the dictionary:

     relapse →(of someone suffering from a disease) suffer deterioration after a period of improvement.




I'm not sure why I get caught up on semantics so often. I have this internal debate with myself about how its important to define where I am, so as to find direction an move on from there.....vs.....recognizing that there might be a problem and just jumping in to fix it without analyzing everything to pieces.  
I had the honor to go to Haiti earlier this month as a nurse, spending time in remote villages and orphanages doing some medical work. I was gone for a week. It was truly a remarkable time. I'm so thankful I had the chance to go & I really hope that I can go again. 

Something happened after that trip that I didn't foresee, or even have on my radar as I returned home. I had a much greater sense of culture shock coming home than I did going to Haiti. My demons were waiting for me here back in the states. I was not prepared for them.

This is where it gets confusing to me. 

On one hand, I sense that I might have a problem. I am restricting. I've lost weight in the last 3 weeks that I've been home. (I will not list numbers or specifics so I don't trigger anyone else who may read this.) I find myself immersing myself in Anorexia/Bulimia literature. I exercise as much as I can push myself to......strictly as a means 'purging' although I use the excuse that I have a 5K/10K/Half Marathon coming up that my son and I are running in. But here is some of the most concerning red flags: My thinking is so confused that I'm not sure which character in my brain is saying what. Is the ED in my head thinking of this stuff or is it truly me!?! That person in the mirror hasn't changed in size, but she is a lot less tolerant and a lot more irritable. 

So my other hand tell me that everything is fine. I have nothing to worry about......that I have everything under control. I gained a fair amount of weight over the last couple of years, so I still have a decent amount to loose before I even get to the 'target weight' I was given while in treatment. 

I had to work today. Because my ward didn't start until 1pm and I had to be to work by 10am, I stopped at our ward building and sat out in the foyer, (in my athletic shoes and scrubs) so I could partake of the sacrament of the 9am ward. I had the tender mercy of seeing a dear friend who goes to that ward. She gave me a hug and expressed sincere concern as she inquired as to how everything was going. I almost broke down in tears as I expressed my discouragement. As the Sacrament hymn began to play, I encouraged her to join her husband and I sat back down. As it thought about yesterday, what a challenging and nearly impossible day it had been. I make some frustrating mistakes and was beyond irritated with myself for those choices. I began to hear in my head, what a mistake it was for me to be there, to partake of the Sacrament, that because of such poor choices, that I wasn't worthy to renew my baptismal covenants, not to mention being forgiven as it is taught to us in D&C. But as I sat there, listening to the Sacrament hymn, I had the clear sense that Heavenly Father did want me to partake of the Sacrament. I wish I could adequately describe how that helped me. It was as though he was trying to teach me that that is what the Sacrament is about, what his Atonement is for. For when we make mistakes, that there is a way to repair them with his help! ! !  It reminded me of attending ARP meetings. I cannot express adequate gratitude for the intense sense of the spirit that can reside there. It is so comforting to know that those of us who attend ARP meetings, who willingly admit they struggle with some form of addiction, can also have an amazing amount of the spirit join us, no matter how hopeless or broken we might feel.

It is so hard to learn the correct truth.

Have you ever had a day, where you cannot help but wonder if someone is trying to tell you something? And if that really is the case, can you help but wonder what message they are trying to get across, and who ‘THEY’ are?

Today was like that for me. I’m in school. I’m working on getting my RN. In today’s classes, the same point was brought up in each of them, although they each had a different take on it. Can you guess?

Yep…….Eating Disorders. 

I almost laughed during the first one because she taught the stereo-typical information that most everyone believes. It wasn’t entirely correct, but I wasn’t about to raise my hand to tell her the things she had missed the mark on. Plus, I figured that she was teaching what would be on our NCLEX, when it came time to get licensed with our national boards test. 

The second class? Not so funny……not at all. She showed a YouTube video of grossly emaciated girls who looked like the skeleton hanging in the Anatomy & Physiology lab. To say the YouTube video was triggering would be a gross understatement. 

{And just now, I checked my word processor’s synonym file, for a different word for the word ‘gross’ (since I used the root of that word twice in the last paragraph) and do you know what one of the words were? Overweight.}

By no means to I intend to promote the following, but rather this is used to educate. There are websites, forums, chat-rooms and ‘how-to’ information on the internet that promote the ‘lifestyle’ of Eating Disorders. They are commonly referred to as Pro-Ana (as in Anorexia) and Pro-Mia (as in Bulimia) sites. In my less than professional opinion, they are just as dangerous, (if not more so) than pornography websites. Yes, some of their pictures, depicting the extremes that the human body can be pushed to, can be paralleled to pornography by the nature of how much skin is shown. It is so much more than that. It glorifies, promotes, endorses and blatantly encourages weight loss extremes……as if to tell you how much space you shouldn’t take up. It is the paradoxical lie that ED teaches, that the less the number, the more worth you have. 

That is what I heard ED say to me all day. I need to be less in order to be more. I need to eat less, talk less, weigh less in order to be cared about more, to be loved more, to be worth more. And as logical as I know this is not, that is the feeling I’ve lived with for over 25 years. 

It is so hard to learn the correct truth.