No matter how hopeless or broken we might feel.

According to the dictionary:

     lapse → is a temporary failure of concentration, memory or judgement (noun)
     lapse → to pass gradually into an inferior state or condition (verb)

     Its origin in Latin is labi, which means to slip or fall.


According to the dictionary:

     relapse →(of someone suffering from a disease) suffer deterioration after a period of improvement.




I'm not sure why I get caught up on semantics so often. I have this internal debate with myself about how its important to define where I am, so as to find direction an move on from there.....vs.....recognizing that there might be a problem and just jumping in to fix it without analyzing everything to pieces.  
I had the honor to go to Haiti earlier this month as a nurse, spending time in remote villages and orphanages doing some medical work. I was gone for a week. It was truly a remarkable time. I'm so thankful I had the chance to go & I really hope that I can go again. 

Something happened after that trip that I didn't foresee, or even have on my radar as I returned home. I had a much greater sense of culture shock coming home than I did going to Haiti. My demons were waiting for me here back in the states. I was not prepared for them.

This is where it gets confusing to me. 

On one hand, I sense that I might have a problem. I am restricting. I've lost weight in the last 3 weeks that I've been home. (I will not list numbers or specifics so I don't trigger anyone else who may read this.) I find myself immersing myself in Anorexia/Bulimia literature. I exercise as much as I can push myself to......strictly as a means 'purging' although I use the excuse that I have a 5K/10K/Half Marathon coming up that my son and I are running in. But here is some of the most concerning red flags: My thinking is so confused that I'm not sure which character in my brain is saying what. Is the ED in my head thinking of this stuff or is it truly me!?! That person in the mirror hasn't changed in size, but she is a lot less tolerant and a lot more irritable. 

So my other hand tell me that everything is fine. I have nothing to worry about......that I have everything under control. I gained a fair amount of weight over the last couple of years, so I still have a decent amount to loose before I even get to the 'target weight' I was given while in treatment. 

I had to work today. Because my ward didn't start until 1pm and I had to be to work by 10am, I stopped at our ward building and sat out in the foyer, (in my athletic shoes and scrubs) so I could partake of the sacrament of the 9am ward. I had the tender mercy of seeing a dear friend who goes to that ward. She gave me a hug and expressed sincere concern as she inquired as to how everything was going. I almost broke down in tears as I expressed my discouragement. As the Sacrament hymn began to play, I encouraged her to join her husband and I sat back down. As it thought about yesterday, what a challenging and nearly impossible day it had been. I make some frustrating mistakes and was beyond irritated with myself for those choices. I began to hear in my head, what a mistake it was for me to be there, to partake of the Sacrament, that because of such poor choices, that I wasn't worthy to renew my baptismal covenants, not to mention being forgiven as it is taught to us in D&C. But as I sat there, listening to the Sacrament hymn, I had the clear sense that Heavenly Father did want me to partake of the Sacrament. I wish I could adequately describe how that helped me. It was as though he was trying to teach me that that is what the Sacrament is about, what his Atonement is for. For when we make mistakes, that there is a way to repair them with his help! ! !  It reminded me of attending ARP meetings. I cannot express adequate gratitude for the intense sense of the spirit that can reside there. It is so comforting to know that those of us who attend ARP meetings, who willingly admit they struggle with some form of addiction, can also have an amazing amount of the spirit join us, no matter how hopeless or broken we might feel.