The Addiction Parable.....

Allow me to begin this post by explaining that I cannot take any credit for the content of this post. So much of this comes from my therapist and I want to make sure credit is given where it is due. His name is Bob and I have known him for years. He is excellent at what he does, prompted by the spirit, able to quote scripture and conference talks, challenges irrational thinking, repeats teaching things he has taught hundreds of times before, and is steadfast and immovable. I call him an eternal optimist. I only wish everyone could have such a positive influence in their corner.

He is amazing at parables. Bob has a gift to share a twist on perspective by the parables/stories he tells. They are realistic, down to earth and very relatable. It is with his permission that I share 'The Addiction Parable.'

It was a couple of months ago that I walked into his office and made myself at home like I usually do. I began by giving a report of where I was, the progress (or in this case.......regress) that I made. He shook his head knowingly. This is not the first relapse I've tried to navigate. His name is Bob and he is a master addictions counselor. He knows, perhaps more than any other, the foundational irrational thought process from which addictions form and persist.

He asks if I've ever been water skiing before. I nod my head and reply with a half-hearted laugh that I've made the attempt. He continues by reminding me that water skiing is made of 3 separate steps. The first part is about being IN the water. You ensure your life jacket is on tightly. You put the ski's on. You grab the rope. All the while, you are IN the water.
The third part is about being UP ON the water. It is the feeling of success. It is where you can gain more skill and talent. It is knowing that you figured out what it takes for you to be UP ON the water.
Then he pauses for a moment.......and backs up.
The second part is when you've signaled for the driver of the boat to go for it. You are holding onto the rope for dear life, being drug thru water that is as thick as cement, trying not to drown let alone swallow (or inhale) any of the water, trying to force your legs up to be on top of the cement..........all while trying to breathe.

Another pause.......before the ensuing explanation and discussion of each of the three steps. The third step is a given. That is what recovery is like. There is a sense of satisfaction, the practice it takes to get there, the skill it takes to stay there, and the sheer knowledge that you did it. The first step is being fully engulfed IN the addiction, actively participating IN the behavior. It is a step of treading water to try to maintain survival. The longer your in the water, the more tired you become. If you do not have a life jacket (or support system) your resources and be spent quickly.
The second step is the war. It is doing what it takes to stick with it and hold on. Doing what it takes includes going to my therapist and dietitian. It includes touching base with my accountability team and being honest to them. It includes working the steps and trusting in the process. It is reaching out asking for help as needed as opposed to falling into the trap of withdrawal and isolation, in which secrets and sickness persist.

This parable rung true to me. It made perfect sense. I share it with you in hopes that you may in turn, share it with others. I really hope it can be used as a tool to help those who do not have much experience with addictions or addictive behaviors, be able to have a different perspective to see (in a small glimpse) what the battles are like.



Thank You for reading.

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Tender Mercies

This last week, amongst the chaos this week was, I took my daughter to get a violin because she has expressed an interest in orchestra. As I opportunity I had to do this with her, it struck a memory for me.

Please allow me to share with you.

A couple of weeks ago, I took my kids to Salt Lake City for our traditional 'hoopla' back to school trip. It is tradition for us to take care of some business and include back to school shopping as well as play as much and as hard as we can as a celebratory "ITS BEEN GREAT!" farewell to summer.
This time was no different.

We were able to attend the Ogden Temple open house, to marvel and feel the spirit of another House of the Lord before its dedication. More than anything, I was struck with the artwork that now resides there. I was not lucky enough to get the details about it I was hoping for, but I pray that it will be shown to me sooner than later.
We spent time across the street at the Treehouse Children's Museum. The kids had a great time with that.
Of course there was more shopping than I'd like to admit, but we did get it all done. It is amazing that something I save so long for can be gone in a matter of hours.
Because we ended up staying on a Sunday, we were privileged to attend "Music & the Spoken Word" in the Conference Center. I have heard the tabernacle choir many times on CD or mp3 player, but those touching renditions pale in comparison to the experience of listening to them in person. It was our first time attending "Music & the Spoken Word" and we thoroughly enjoyed it. On the particular day we attended, the orchestra was also there and playing. My daughter would later tell me that it was this experience where she gained a desire to be part of an orchestra, and that she wanted to play the violin. We walked around temple square some, even going inside the tabernacle as I tried to explain to my children that 'Once upon a time, before the conference center was........the tabernacle was the only place to hold General Conference'.  I'm not sure they fully understood, but they wanted me to share their most favorite story about the tabernacle, so I did my best.
We then proceeded to the South Visitors Center. As we walked in, on a large screen they were playing various "I am a Mormon" clips. I'm sure they do that frequently, but the one they were playing the moment we walked in, stopped me in my tracks.

Perhaps it was the part where Lindsey talks about her core beliefs about having worth because she is a daughter of God.......that struck me more than anything else we did on that trip.
I've heard it said that a coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous, but the timing that this particular clip at the very moment I walked in was more than a coincidence......This was a tender mercy. (Did you notice she's playing a violin?)

Thank You Lindsey Sterling! You have two new fans in our household! !

When 20,760 isn't enough......

Let me just start by saying that I previously have learned the theory behind compulsive obsessive disorder or OCD. I've learned that it is a mechanism used to lessen anxiety, a ritualistic behavior that may help one feel in control. I remember in treatment, how many others had OCD as a co-diagnosis.......that they would hold groups for those with OCD. I did not attend those groups because they did not pertain to me.

Now lets fast forward 2+ years to today.

I have a widget on my phone that acts as a pedometer, counting my steps as I go about my day. When I first discovered this widget, I thought if it as nothing more than something fun to look at, kinda like scrolling thru my Facebook page. I tried it out for a little bit, and eventually found it to be fairly accurate in its data collection.
I'm all for goals. So when this amazing feature of technology told me that I should try to get 10,000 steps every day, I didn't argue. At first, I didn't do so great with it. However, as time has gone on, getting those 10,000 steps everyday became more of a priority. Even going out to get my 'mileage' in after the kids had gone to bed and the sun had long since set. In the last couple of weeks, the compulsion to get as many steps in as possible has elevated into its own kind of demon. It wasn't very long ago that I was walking as much and as fast as I could before the clock changed to midnight, which would move the pedometer back to zero. Before I knew it, that's exactly what had happened. I looked to find that I had only accomplished a mere 9,637 steps. To say that I was disappointed, would be an understatement. I'm sure the fit I threw may have resembled that of a 3 year old who didn't get what they wanted.
I have heard in recovery circles, the idea of excessive exercise. I have questioned what that may have meant because how can you have too much exercise, how can you ever have too much of something so healthy?

Tonight, I have the answer. It becomes impeding when a substance, a behavior, a routine, a mechanism of control becomes its own addiction. I have become addicted to my 'mileage.' I cannot go to bed without getting it in. I cannot even consider giving it up. I know that I take more steps than what the widget on the smart phone may say.......after all, I'm still on the move while the phone is charging up. The compulsion comes in when the number on my widget, trumps anything else. When it takes precedence over time with my kids or taking care of any other essential and needful things, I am slowly beginning to be able to realized that there might be something to be said about the old adage. "Moderation in All things!!
Tonight, I went to go get my mileage in. when I began, my pedometer read 6,832. I heard the voice that told me that this would be quick and painless. But as I continued to do my laps, I felt that compulsion to keep going. Just one more lap, just one more lap.......Isn't that interesting how the adversary works. Just a little more.....just a little more. It reminds me of some scriptures:

From :
Alma 37:6
Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

I remember being taught that that scripture was about the good, uplifting, positive things like all of the typical Sunday school answers. I am finding it to be true about the good and the bad.

I continued on in doing my laps and found myself pleading with Father above to help me not go all night. I was able to call it done after 2,0760 steps.
Even with this new record, I still do not feel as though I've done enough.

Does anyone have any tips about getting past the compulsions?
What have you found to be most effective?


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Your body is not your masterpiece

Tonight, I just wanted to share a post that a friend had shared with me. I appreciate a change in perspective whenever someone else is willing to share because I hope that the more clearly I can see, the better off I'll be.



Your body is not your masterpiece – your life is.....

http://momastery.com/blog/2014/07/06/body-masterpiece/

"Would you please come check on me?"

Allow me to share an experience that happened during this last week.....

As is frequently the case on days I work, my kids called to tell me good night, because they usually climb into bed before I get home. On this particular night, I didn't get to answer my phone in time and my kids left me a voice mail.
I LOVE voicemail. It give me a chance to capture and save sweet messages of the funny things my kids say, those who call to express care and concern, tender messages of gratitude, encouragement and cheering, and in one particular case, the priceless gift of listening to a friends voice who has passed from this life due to cancer.
On the evening for which I'm sharing, it was a message from my daughter. I could hear in her voice that she had had a tough day. Her message was a simple but powerful one. She summed it up by sweetly asking, "Would you please come check on me?"
It does not happen very often, but on occasion, the Spirit will allow me a glimpse of how my relationship as a mom, can help me in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. This is one of those occasions.
I've been struggling with my prayers lately......saying them at all. Struggling in this relapse, feeling guilty about not doing better, for not pulling up and out of it by now.....where in ED leaves me feeling unworthy to pray, which adds to the isolation thus promoting the downward spiral. However, I do feel Fathers encouragement for me to 'check-in' with him......just as I would imagine I would do with my children, if I noticed one of them were struggling. It's during times like this where my prayers (when I utter them) are more sincere, more heartfelt, with a bit more pleading. I remember during a previous relapse simply pleading with Heavenly Father, that he might hold on to me, because I was not confident in my strength to hold onto him.

And so it is tonight. While I feel as though asking for so many things from Heaven above might seem an act of selfishness, (another trait ED teaches to put me down), my prayer tonight is a simple although seemingly inconsequential one.....
Heavenly Father "Would you please come check on me?"