Acting Opposite

During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them.

Prolouge:
My mother and I have a strained and in turn superficial relationship. It makes family interaction (especially during the holidays) challenging.
The reference from The Arena comes from Brene Brown's book 'Daring Greatly'

So my accomplishments from yesterday: 

I went with my mom to her doctors appointment. She believes her cardio ablation has failed in efficacy because of the return of palpitations.

(I'm sure you understand me doing anything like this is a MAJOR acting opposite event..... as was going out to brunch with her afterwards.) 

Father in his infinite mercy & TLC blessed me with a different set of ears & eyes while I was with her.  

While at the doctors office she stepped on the scale & overly complained about her weight which is comparable to mine. The symptoms she described, I would have defined as anxiety. She's was admittedly grossly noncompliant with her beta-blockers. She was obsessive about the carb/calorie count of what we ate. It dawned on me how insecure she truly is. 

I could feel Father smiling down as he showed me that she is just as broken as I am (if not more so)..... that her self denial & condescending perspective impedes her progress. It is my acceptance, my stubborn (begrudging) willingness (😄 LOL) to do what it takes, that will break this cycle between generations. Me emotion coaching my kids will help them be healthier. I need not give too much credence to those who are not in the arena or whose thinking is just as disordered or more so than mine. 

Now knowing that I only slept about 2.5 hours & have been up since 2:30am, you must realize that last paragraph did not come from me.

I have only endured this seemingly endless night THNX to Nathan Pacheco & this song on my phone that had played on a repeated loop since about 3am. 

https://youtu.be/6nJ0PZt05H4

I hope you have a fantastic day

Me

Citizenship in a Republic AKA The Man in the Arena

In her book Daring Greatly, Brene Brown cites a speech given by President Theodore Roosevelt. President Roosevelt gave a speech in Paris in April of 1910. The title of this speech was known as Citizenship in a Republic. Over time, it has more commonly become known as The Man in the Arena. May I suggest that on occasion, perhaps at the beginning of a new year, we take pause to reflect upon which we are. Are we on the sidelines or are we fighting? I would also encourage that we not give time or mental space to those whose thinking is just as disordered (or more so) than our own.

It is not the critic who counts;

not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles,

or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,

whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;

who strives valiantly; who errs,

who comes short again and again,

because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;

but who does actually strive to do the deeds;

who knows great enthusiasms,

the great devotions;

who spends himself in a worthy cause;

who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,

and who at the worst,

if he fails,

at least fails while daring greatly,

so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Anyhow:

During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them. 

So my smart watch says that I slept from 11:45PM to 1:35AM......that's it. More or less, that's how it's been all week.  I last worked Monday night. And it's not because my mind is racing, cuz it's not. It's rather blank. 

Any insights? What should I review to get some sleep!?! 

**UGH**

Anyhow: 

Homework: 

1)I'm thankful I didn't have to go anywhere yesterday......I could just stay home.

2)I'm thankful the kids liked what I made for dinner...... that & there was a decrease of fighting between them. 

3)Although it was an anniversary of a very bad incident (that we've done BIRRT for) it was not sad or depressing, but rather.... there was a somber peace about remembering & being grateful to those who helped us that night. 

Thnx 

Me

Homework

During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them. 

My apologies in missing a few days. I'm still trying to figure out how to best accommodate for working nights. 

1) I'm grateful for the sleep I do get & doing a little better with getting up & doing things in the hours in the middle of the night when I'm unable to sleep. 

2)This is going to sound petty, but I got my first FB friend request from a co-worker on Labor & Delivery. It's taken 3 months. That meant so much to me......I can't even explain!!!

3)I went out to lunch today with a friend. Afterwards, I had the urge to purge.... (SO INTENSELY) but I came home and took a nap instead. Hopefully being avoidant isn't all bad. 

4) I'm grateful to have a vehicle with all wheel drive this winter. The payments are overwhelming.... but buying something with a forclosure in my credit has left me in a tough spot. 

Thank You 

Me

Homework 12-1-17

 During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them. 

I must really need this homework assignment today..... cuz I'm struggling to follow thru with it.

1) Even though all of our tempers were really keyed up today,  we seemed to end the day with a little bit of love. 

2) I got out of the house, (which was acting opposite.)

3) I ate fast food breakfast (a fear food) with T after I picked her up from physical therapy before I took her to school. 

Me

PS. This took me 30 minutes.

*sigh*

'I hope you know, I had a hard time.'

Homework 11-30-17

 During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them. 

So I got 3 hours of sleep before I woke up and now I'm laying here feeling the nudges of some homework.....so here's my homework response.

During the holiday season in our home, it is a tradition for the peeps to have their own set of Christmas lights in their bedroom. It represents the light of Christ. We share the light of Christ by doing service for others. In order to have their Christmas lights on at night, each kiddo shares what their service was that day.

This evening, J REALLY struggled to remember some act of service...... but he also REALLY wanted his lights on tonight. He finally remembered that he made dinner which was a service to his family (especially his mom! )

I think that's how it's going to be for me as I strive to share 3 positives with you about my day. I believe that it's REALLY going to be a struggle for me to inconvenience you by sharing & it's REALLY going to be a struggle to do it daily, but that's the homework sent from above & in turn...... the goal thru the end of the year.
Sooooo here it goes.

3 (+) from 11-29-17

1) I was scheduled to work the day, but was put on call.
2) As a result of being put on call, I got to sleep 5 more hours during the day.
3) J made dinner.


Stupid, huh?

O L

Me

Homework 11-29-17

Because I'm feeling as though I should share with you some homework I've been assigned. During the holidays and working nights as a nurse, it becomes challenging to meet with my therapist. In turn, I email him. The idea is to do it daily.....points of positivity. He also accepts gratitudes as well because sometimes I am unable to separate them. 

As I respond to your text please note that this is a massive acting opposite event. Not that I'm trying to ignore you, but answering today is challenging. 

Thanksgiving was alright. It was mostly superficial which was just fine with me. My mom continues to undermine what she would have me do. I got to leave at a decent time because I was scheduled to work that night. I ended up being put on call. The days after have been challenging because my clothes feel tighter. The scale is the same but I feel my clothes are tighter which makes my anxiety increase. It makes me feel as though I need to do something drastic quickly. I succumbed to my sister-in-law and signed up under my mom in the pyramid scheme which is Plexus Slim. A weight loss product and supplements that are meant to benefit probiotics in the digestive system but for which the name explains is meant to be for weight loss. I've been struggling with how to take that....knowing that my sister-in-law knows very well my history that it's Thanksgiving holiday season, that my clothes feel tighter and that I do feel like I need to do something drastic. 

Then and contrast that with when I went to work Monday night and saw a fascinating display between two sisters helping another sister who was going through labor pains of having natural childbirth.  It was truly one of the most exemplary things I have ever been blessed to witness. They commended their wonderful angel-like mother for teaching them so well and I was sincerely touched with the Christ-like love that they showed towards each other. I wish(ed) so desperately to be a part of that level of loving sisterhood. To see the look of love and concern on one sisters face or how willing another sister was, is something I hope I remember forever!!!

And then I drove home from work from which Ed ripped me up one side and down the other In the comparison of the two. I was extremely distraught and texted her friend to help me try to calm down before I tried to go to sleep. Looking back now I understand that my emotions are a little more intense than normal cuz I haven't been able to sleep more than 3 to 4 hours at a time for the last couple of days. I would much rather belong to the group of sisters who are lovingly trying to help each other through a life-changing event rather than be pegged for one because of looks and insecurities and an easy financial opportunity. 

Thank you for texting me this morning. Knowing that I'm thought of & cared about, means more than I can adequately express! 

I hope you have a great week! 

Me