Wanting to throw a temper tantrum.

I've had the feeling to blog for the last week or so, but I keep putting it off. The ED in my head tells me that no one wants to hear what I have to say.......that others will come to know the severity of how much I DO NOT have everything in check. That being said, I find myself climbing the walls, crawling under my skin and am wanting to go run a couple of miles despite it being 3 degrees above zero.
On my way home from work this evening, I was visually imagining throwing myself down on the floor, screaming my lungs out, exerting every last ounce of energy I'd have, crying every ugly tear that is inside this fractured heart.
I was wanting to start a new tradition for this December, being able to have a new Christ-Centered story to read to my kids every night with family prayer. I've done nothing to prepare for this new hoped tradition as my focus has been the finals at school that are on the horizon. (I'm in an RN program at a local college.)

As soon as I could clock out from work, I ran to Deseret Book only to find that they had already closed. I felt myself begin to have tears well up in my eyes. Then I felt a rush of memories flood my mind with the simple principle of how terribly, how deeply, how intensely and how irreparably I had just failed. I wanted.......no, I NEEDED everything to be just so, and because it wasn't, I was undeserving of anything and an epic failure beyond any description. I remember being like this as a child; having to have everything just so, having to have everything perfect. I now feel such despair for my parents. I cannot imagine having a child where that level of perfection had to be demanded. How devastating to find that apparently, I have not progressed much in the last 25 years.
I arrived home, fighting back any emotion. I had one still at mutual, but said prayers with the others. We continued on with the evening routine without the dearly hoped for new tradition. My kids didn't even know of my desires to begin such a tradition. So why should all of this matter? Why do I let such seemingly small things get to me so easily!?! Isn't there a better way to cope with such emotion??? I'm still wanting to throw a fit.......to kick, scream, convulse, and have a nasty, hideous, ugly cry.
I desperately hope that despite the mom they have, my kids still turn out to be strong, resilient, & compassionate human being in spite of the mom they endure.
I have come to the awareness that the chink in the armor that ED is currently using, is the premise that I over-react to everything, that I am being a drama queen about everything. I think I can understand the idea behind it. If I'm being a drama queen and I tell myself to just be quiet and calm down, I will then in turn be isolating myself which ED wants so as to make his voice in my head heard more definitely and clearly. If I isolate myself, then I will not go out in search for help holding onto the iron rod. I could have called or texted a friend on my way home from work to simply talk thru what was going on in my heart and my mind. However, that would have been too burdensome to them. It must certainly be too emotionally draining to be around someone like me, who is too insecure to even tolerate or endure herself.


I hope that any blithering makes even a little sense.