Is recovery in isolation possible?

Its finals week in my world. By this time tomorrow, I hope to be breathing much better. I only have one more test left........whew! (Besides, why is a single mom, working full time going to school anyway, I mean REALLY !?!?!)

I've seen the members of my recovery team this week. There are some things that I've learned, that I feel impressed to share.

First, let me share some insight I've gained from my personal trainer. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her before. My dietitian informed me awhile ago about some research done on how to improve body image skewed by body dysmoric disorder. Strength training had promising results. The hospital I work for has a gym and employes personal trainers. I met up with one in August and have been aching ever since ;) We were talking one morning while she was trying to kill me off with squats. She encouraged me to remember to do these workouts, to work towards self improvement, to do it for me......and not for anyone else. She explained that there are far too many who workout in search of becoming someone worthy of someone elses time, acceptance or even mere acknowledgment. She said that she's seen so many who have 'achieved' that level of physical fitness only to learn that people who are attracted to only that, typically do not have the substance for a long term relationship. She's right. I don't want a relationship with someone who is drawn to the physical appearance alone.

I met with my therapist this week and disclosed how trying this holiday season seemed to be going. There have been so many years where I have not even given a second thought to the sad memories associated with this time of year. 2015 is not one of those years.
During the week of Thanksgiving, my thoughts were nearly fixated on how (in a perfect world) I would have otherwise been celebrating the 6th birthday of a baby I had miscarried. I've never had a week during Thanksgiving where I have thought about that so heavily as I have this year. This was only slightly exacerbated by the crushing memory of a terrible incident regarding my former husband that happened during the first week of December. I approached my therapist in confusion as to why this year would be so much more challenging than most other years.
He gave a fantastic analogy (as he usually does) explaining that when we are physically fit, when we take care of ourselves, we are more readily able to fend off illness, fatigue......that we are overall more apt to weather the storm. When our immunity has taken a hit, we are not nearly as well off. We become more easily subject to every passing virus or bacteria, every cold and an overall draining of our energies. Emotionally, we are the same way. When we have a full bucket, when our stores are full, when we are in a good place emotionally, we are more able to fight off the detrimental thoughts, to check-in and be honest with our own personal inventory.
As he explained it, it made perfect sense. I've recently taken a tough blow, (lapse vs. relapse......a topic for another post) and am struggling to find my feet. With that in consideration, it almost makes sense to falter to every little whim.....ESPECIALLY during the holidays.

We then went on to discuss ED's new twist in logic. For the last couple of months, ED's latest ploy is that I'm being a drama queen, that I'm doing what I'm doing to be the martyr. My therapist asked me what I thought about that. So I began to talk it out. My eating disorder has not been discussed amoungst my family for years. The vast majority of people I associate with, (co-workers, neighbors, my ward) do not know about my demons. I do have a few friends that I have let in with this knowledge and even now, not one of them know the degree of where things are now. So my conclusion, as I was talking,(or rambling on) was that I do not appear to be a drama queen. My very patient therapist suggested that perhaps the reason that ED (and his brother, Lucifer) would submit that lie, would be for isolation. What happens when I reach out, or if I try to ask for help? Then I am proving ED right......being a drama queen, putting the spotlight on myself. I can see it now, as an attempt to keep me isolated. Anyone who knows the foundational basis of any addictive behavior, also know that there is no way to recover in isolation. I recognize now that me being a drama queen is a F.I.S.H. (False Information Still Honored).......a nasty, rotten, smelly, dead, lying fish. Time to pitch the fish. 

I'm not sure many will benefit from this next part, but I found it very interesting and intend to do some research into it.
I met with my dietican this morning and after being given the challenge to eat NINETY STINKIN' CARBS EVERY DAY (gwak!!) she also wanted me to consider the challenge to never eat alone. This homework' was very unusual & I couldn't help but wonder the reasoning behind it. When I asked about it, she explained that other patients she was starting to see come back from various treatment centers, had that as part of their care plan.
So if there is someone out there, concerned about themselves, a friend or loved one......consider the challenge to never eat alone. In the meantime, I will be doing some research about the evidence based content that has lead to this being in new care plans.

I hope everyone is fighting the good fight, even if its just by showing up everyday.