Today was a fairly nice day. It was sorely needed after such a desperately challenging night. Today was a day where I could feel the prayers of those around me who may have an idea where I am and know how much I may need help although struggling to ask for it. I had no expectations for myself or for my children. We watched many Christmas movies because our time for getting them all in, is becoming short.
This was a pleasant change from this week where we have all been at each others throats. I've come to realize that I am suffering from a burn-out along with my lapse. It has also come to my attention than my kids are also feeling burn-out. I don't think they realize what burn-out is yet, nor do they know why it comes and certainly have no idea how to cope, deal with, or recover from it. Perhaps that's why today was so nice.
Yes.....food, calories, carbs, weight were still on my mind, but I was not driven by or obssesed by it every moment of the day.
[Funny, as I began to write this post, I wondered what the point of it would be......But as I write, I feel directed by the spirit as to what I can learn and gain from it. Although you may not gain anything from my writing, I appreciate your patience while I am taught.]
I thought that my being burnt-out would be attributed to just finishing finals at school, to keeping up with the demands of a single mom and the obligations and short-comings I feel towards my kiddos. However, as I write, the possibility of my lapse causing my burn-out makes a little bit more sense. If I were explain, even in simple detail, the fixation my mind has on food, calories, protein grams, carbs, what my scale said this morning, I believe you may wonder how on earth, someone can be so obsessed with something so menial. I completely agree. However, that is the nature of my beast, and as I write, I feel as though I underestimate the time, effort, energy, and mental fortitude that is affected by my addictive behavior. Of course Ed and his brother Lucifer, will point the finger elsewhere as far as blame is concerned, and will work so cunningly so as to go unnoticed for as long as possible, until you find yourself caught yet once again.
So a lapse being the foundational cause for being burnt-out does make sense. Now what to do about it?? Of course the simple answer is to just knock it off, to get back up and dust myself off and get back on track. So many times, I think of how nice it would be to not know how many calories or carbs a particular food is. It would be great if my mind didn't just automatically add up my intake for the day. That's probably not the point. The point is to learn coping techniques, patience, reach out for help, to learn empathy and compassion.
Earlier this week, during another emotionally challenging and crushing evening, I was looking for light and answers. I went to LDS.org and under the search, I simply typed in "purpose in pain." The first address that caught my attention was from the April 2011 General Conference talk by Kent F. Richards, entitled "The Atonement Covers All Pain." Let me share the part that pricked my heart, helping me to hold on.
President Henry B. Eyring taught: “It will comfort us when we must wait
in distress for the Savior’s promised relief that He knows, from
experience, how to heal and help us. … And faith in that power will give
us patience as we pray and work and wait for help. He could have known
how to succor us simply by revelation, but He chose to learn by His own personal experience.”
The reason why that helped, was because it sounded like President Eyring understood what it meant to "wait in distress." Does that take away the burden or my emotional pain? No, certainly not. But somehow knowing that someone else understands is validating just enough to help me get grounded.
1. Choose a Go-To Support Person. For each holiday celebration, select a designated person for support and accountability. Choose someone who is willing, available, and, if possible, actually attending the event. Teach this person the do’s and don’ts of support and discuss things-that-might-happen scenarios—explaining what kind of response would be most helpful to you in each situation.
2. Carry Support with You. Program other key support people into your phone—set them up as easy-to-access favorite contacts. In moments of distress, make a call. For extra long events, be sure to bring your cell phone charger! The Tenth Anniversary Edition of Life Without Edsuggests,
If picking up the phone to make a support call is sometimes too difficult for you, maybe you can at least send a short text—like ‘SOS’ or even ‘Ed.’ Tell your support team ahead of time what your distress signal text might say, and let them know helpful ways to respond.
3. Stop and Breathe. Practice mindfulness by paying attention to all five senses—see, hear, smell, taste, and touch the joys of the season. Meditate—even for just a few minutes—before attending holiday gatherings.
4. Facing the Food. Ed will try to make food a big deal; don’t let him. The truth is that holiday food is often the same, so you can easily plan ahead by consulting with your dietitian or a trusted support person. If you don’t know what is going to be served, consider asking beforehand. At the meal, you might even ask a support person to prepare a plate for you. For extra accountability, text a photo of your plate—before and after eating—to someone on your support team. Ask your friends and family not to comment about what you are eating.
5. Plan Something Special Beyond the Food. For many people, including those without eating disorders, food can become the focus of holiday gatherings. While it is normal and healthy to enjoy the festive meals, it can also be important to plan something to look forward to that doesn’t include turkey or stuffing. As I wrote about in Goodbye Ed, Hello Me, add fun to your schedule. Play a board game, watch a movie, or go on a walk. 6. Increase Support. The busyness of the holidays might lead you to want to cancel some therapy sessions. But the added pressure actually means that you need to beef up your support. Add to; don’t take away. Get creative. Adding support doesn’t necessarily mean a big time commitment. For instance, you can listen to recovery podcasts when driving to and from holiday events. (Click here to RSVP for Wednesday’s MentorCONNECT special holiday teleconference!) Use apps like Rise Up + Recover and Recovery Record to send yourself positive affirmations during holiday gatherings. 7. Address Body Image Upfront. When I was in early recovery from my eating disorder, I asked my friends and family not to make comments about my appearance. I clarified, “Please don’t even say that I look ‘great’ or ‘healthy.'” In an effort to educate your friends and family about how you experience negative body image, consider showing them the ambiguous thin or large woman pictured below from my latest book, Almost Anorexic. Are you wearing Ed glasses? Click the image for an explanation of the different perceptions of this figure. 8. Celebrate Small Victories. If you conquer a food fear at a holiday gathering, share the news with your support team. To some friends and family, eating a slice of apple pie might not seem like a big deal, but, to you, it surely can be a sign of courage. Celebrate with people who understand.
9. Create an Emergency 911 Card. As described in Life Without Ed, make a list of time-tested relapse prevention tips. Keep this list with you at all times. Consider typing your emergency 911 card into your smart phone as a note. Ed thrives on forgetfulness. Be a step ahead of him.
10. Remember the Meaning. Despite what Ed may tell you, the holidays were not created as a way to upset people in recovery. What does each holiday truly mean to you? Practice gratitude. Laugh. Never, never, never give up. If you fall down this holiday season, pick yourself back up right away. Choose recovery in each and every moment. Most importantly, hold onto the hope for a full recovery. In the years to come, imagine a holiday without Ed even making a peep. Yes, it can get that good.
- See more at: http://www.jennischaefer.com/blog/overcoming-adversity
Its finals week in my world. By this time tomorrow, I hope to be breathing much better. I only have one more test left........whew! (Besides, why is a single mom, working full time going to school anyway, I mean REALLY !?!?!)
I've seen the members of my recovery team this week. There are some things that I've learned, that I feel impressed to share.
First, let me share some insight I've gained from my personal trainer. I'm not sure if I've mentioned her before. My dietitian informed me awhile ago about some research done on how to improve body image skewed by body dysmoric disorder. Strength training had promising results. The hospital I work for has a gym and employes personal trainers. I met up with one in August and have been aching ever since ;) We were talking one morning while she was trying to kill me off with squats. She encouraged me to remember to do these workouts, to work towards self improvement, to do it for me......and not for anyone else. She explained that there are far too many who workout in search of becoming someone worthy of someone elses time, acceptance or even mere acknowledgment. She said that she's seen so many who have 'achieved' that level of physical fitness only to learn that people who are attracted to only that, typically do not have the substance for a long term relationship. She's right. I don't want a relationship with someone who is drawn to the physical appearance alone.
I met with my therapist this week and disclosed how trying this holiday season seemed to be going. There have been so many years where I have not even given a second thought to the sad memories associated with this time of year. 2015 is not one of those years.
During the week of Thanksgiving, my thoughts were nearly fixated on how (in a perfect world) I would have otherwise been celebrating the 6th birthday of a baby I had miscarried. I've never had a week during Thanksgiving where I have thought about that so heavily as I have this year. This was only slightly exacerbated by the crushing memory of a terrible incident regarding my former husband that happened during the first week of December. I approached my therapist in confusion as to why this year would be so much more challenging than most other years.
He gave a fantastic analogy (as he usually does) explaining that when we are physically fit, when we take care of ourselves, we are more readily able to fend off illness, fatigue......that we are overall more apt to weather the storm. When our immunity has taken a hit, we are not nearly as well off. We become more easily subject to every passing virus or bacteria, every cold and an overall draining of our energies. Emotionally, we are the same way. When we have a full bucket, when our stores are full, when we are in a good place emotionally, we are more able to fight off the detrimental thoughts, to check-in and be honest with our own personal inventory.
As he explained it, it made perfect sense. I've recently taken a tough blow, (lapse vs. relapse......a topic for another post) and am struggling to find my feet. With that in consideration, it almost makes sense to falter to every little whim.....ESPECIALLY during the holidays.
We then went on to discuss ED's new twist in logic. For the last couple of months, ED's latest ploy is that I'm being a drama queen, that I'm doing what I'm doing to be the martyr. My therapist asked me what I thought about that. So I began to talk it out. My eating disorder has not been discussed amoungst my family for years. The vast majority of people I associate with, (co-workers, neighbors, my ward) do not know about my demons. I do have a few friends that I have let in with this knowledge and even now, not one of them know the degree of where things are now. So my conclusion, as I was talking,(or rambling on) was that I do not appear to be a drama queen. My very patient therapist suggested that perhaps the reason that ED (and his brother, Lucifer) would submit that lie, would be for isolation. What happens when I reach out, or if I try to ask for help? Then I am proving ED right......being a drama queen, putting the spotlight on myself. I can see it now, as an attempt to keep me isolated. Anyone who knows the foundational basis of any addictive behavior, also know that there is no way to recover in isolation. I recognize now that me being a drama queen is a F.I.S.H. (False Information Still Honored).......a nasty, rotten, smelly, dead, lying fish. Time to pitch the fish.
I'm not sure many will benefit from this next part, but I found it very interesting and intend to do some research into it.
I met with my dietican this morning and after being given the challenge to eat NINETY STINKIN' CARBS EVERY DAY (gwak!!) she also wanted me to consider the challenge to never eat alone. This homework' was very unusual & I couldn't help but wonder the reasoning behind it. When I asked about it, she explained that other patients she was starting to see come back from various treatment centers, had that as part of their care plan.
So if there is someone out there, concerned about themselves, a friend or loved one......consider the challenge to never eat alone. In the meantime, I will be doing some research about the evidence based content that has lead to this being in new care plans.
I hope everyone is fighting the good fight, even if its just by showing up everyday.
I've had the feeling to blog for the last week or so, but I keep putting it off. The ED in my head tells me that no one wants to hear what I have to say.......that others will come to know the severity of how much I DO NOT have everything in check. That being said, I find myself climbing the walls, crawling under my skin and am wanting to go run a couple of miles despite it being 3 degrees above zero.
On my way home from work this evening, I was visually imagining throwing myself down on the floor, screaming my lungs out, exerting every last ounce of energy I'd have, crying every ugly tear that is inside this fractured heart.
I was wanting to start a new tradition for this December, being able to have a new Christ-Centered story to read to my kids every night with family prayer. I've done nothing to prepare for this new hoped tradition as my focus has been the finals at school that are on the horizon. (I'm in an RN program at a local college.)
As soon as I could clock out from work, I ran to Deseret Book only to find that they had already closed. I felt myself begin to have tears well up in my eyes. Then I felt a rush of memories flood my mind with the simple principle of how terribly, how deeply, how intensely and how irreparably I had just failed. I wanted.......no, I NEEDED everything to be just so, and because it wasn't, I was undeserving of anything and an epic failure beyond any description. I remember being like this as a child; having to have everything just so, having to have everything perfect. I now feel such despair for my parents. I cannot imagine having a child where that level of perfection had to be demanded. How devastating to find that apparently, I have not progressed much in the last 25 years.
I arrived home, fighting back any emotion. I had one still at mutual, but said prayers with the others. We continued on with the evening routine without the dearly hoped for new tradition. My kids didn't even know of my desires to begin such a tradition. So why should all of this matter? Why do I let such seemingly small things get to me so easily!?! Isn't there a better way to cope with such emotion??? I'm still wanting to throw a fit.......to kick, scream, convulse, and have a nasty, hideous, ugly cry.
I desperately hope that despite the mom they have, my kids still turn
out to be strong, resilient, & compassionate human being in spite of
the mom they endure.
I have come to the awareness that the chink in the armor that ED is currently using, is the premise that I over-react to everything, that I am being a drama queen about everything. I think I can understand the idea behind it. If I'm being a drama queen and I tell myself to just be quiet and calm down, I will then in turn be isolating myself which ED wants so as to make his voice in my head heard more definitely and clearly. If I isolate myself, then I will not go out in search for help holding onto the iron rod. I could have called or texted a friend on my way home from work to simply talk thru what was going on in my heart and my mind. However, that would have been too burdensome to them. It must certainly be too emotionally draining to be around someone like me, who is too insecure to even tolerate or endure herself.
I hope that any blithering makes even a little sense.
