Write or not to right......

I mentioned in my last post about my writings. I have heard is said many times in the church how important it is to journal what is going on in our lives as a part of our history, to add to our family history. I've heard it encouraged in the counseling world, (my counselor included) how beneficial writing can be. Perhaps it is the ability to slow the mind down enough to put what you are thinking or feeling into words. Maybe it is the meditation that at times can accompany writing, many times with the spirit. Perhaps it is seeing the words that have come from your mind, coming out on paper, only to be read to go full circle into your mind again. I know many who see it as beneficial, an outlet in which to vent, or to organize what is going on with the turmoil inside.
Me? Not so much.....

I'm not very good at slowing my mind down or being able to come up with a complete cognitive thought, but it all comes down to the writing. Writing (for me) is usually seen as another way that ED attacks something for which can never be "good enough." He is constantly in my head belittling what I have to say, critiquing every little word, phrase, my grammar......often demanding a reason to why I am writing in the first place. Although I do have to tell him that no on may ever read what ever it is that I may write, he ignores that as meaningless and continues with the barrage of his two cents. The fact that I have a blog, that I post and at last count, have had over 1500 views is beyond comprehension. It'll be amazing if this post is kept and published to the blog. Maybe it is because of him that I don't write more often. It might be because of him that I feel the need to apologize to all who read this as I accept the fact that it probably not "good enough," that there are so many things that are not right, or correct or whatever whatever whatever.....(ED could go on forever!)

At least in writing and blogging, I try to take comfort in the fact that if readers don't really want to read what is shared, they don't have to. I don't know who does or doesn't read. There isn't really anything to be taken to personally as an attack of not having done anything "good enough." It becomes more problematic when it carries over into the interactions of life.....but I will save that for another post.
Please consider the idea that menial things, that you may never think twice about.....others struggle, doubt, wrestle with, and torment over.......whether they be wright, write, or right......

.....Pansy.....

Hello to the masses. I feel the need to post tonight, but I'm not confident that this will make sense. I say that because I have a draft of another post for which I am yet unable to have it make sense, not to mention 'flowing well'. So if you're reading this......please bear with me.

I was talking with a friend this evening who asked how I was doing. With her, I try a little harder to be more honest, more so than giving the traditional "I'm fine" answer. So in an attempt to give a more heart felt answer, I tried to make sense of the non-sense that is going on in my head. It seems as though I am struggling. Then again, it seems like I'm always struggling. Is it just that I struggle in different degrees, and depending on the day I'm more or less likely to be resilient to the stress that is life?......to be resilient in the fight for recovery?

During the last couple of weeks, I've tried to write a little bit more as the wave of the need to isolate has consumed me. I have begun to notice a common thread in my writing as of late. (This is the part where I hope something makes sense to you, because it barely makes sense to me......) And yes, I'm sure this comes from ED, the demon who probably is Lucifer's brother, (dirty rotten devil...gggrrrrrr! ! ! !)

The continual theme is this:
Why all the whining Alex? (Not my real name....) Why all the complaining Alex? You have so many blessings and you have been given so much......why can't you just be more grateful? Why are you saying this part is hard? Alex, you've been through worse before, and you didn't whine and complain as much as you do now. You are weak, and becoming weaker, more fragile......someone who needs to be 'handled'.....aren't you? You are just a pansy.

THAT struck a nerve with me.....being called a pansy. That is something my mother would call me when I was younger. She would say it in a half-hearted, sarcastic, yet semi-serious tone as her way of saying, "You need to toughen up!!" I had completely forgotten about that up until these last few weeks as her words have come back to haunt me. Now I hear that phrase so frequently as I feel more worn down in ED's constant, incessant, relentless berating. "Alex, no one invited you to any pity party. Just get over yourself. You're not that special anyhow. Buck up buttercup......You're just being a pansy."

I'm not sure really why I was supposed to submit this post. Awareness is a key step in recovery or progress in general. Perhaps this post is best served as a declaration of self awareness. I'll see where it goes from here.

I hope that all made sense.....