Something new.

Today, I had to work → Nothing new.

Today, we ordered out for lunch → Nothing new.

Today, we had Panda Express for lunch → Nothing new.

Today, I did not eat every little bite, I probably only had half, and I tossed out the rest. → Something VERY new.

Let me back up.

Once upon a time, well over decades ago....I was in grade school. While at school or at home, I would FREQUENTLY hear about all the starving people in Ethiopia, how they didn't have any food to eat, how they had something called a drought, and how I better eat everything on my plate or on my tray. If I didn't, there was a fair amount of shame about how ungrateful I was for what I had and didn't eat. "What if we had a drought.....Wouldn't you want all the kids of the world to be grateful for what they had?"

As a result, what happened? You couldn't leave anything behind. You ate every crumb, every grain of rice, and if you couldn't, you wrapped up those 0.75 ounces of gravy and saved it for another time. Being wasteful would also mean that you were ungrateful.
More times than not, I would end up eating as much as I could in one sitting. I know many others did as well. (I don't mean to overgeneralize, I'm just sharing my experience.) I often wonder about how many people developed poor health ideals from shame based eating. For me, I would eat to the point of making myself ill, then have to go purge for relief. (There is shame still with me sharing this......) Then inadvertently, I learned that purging = relief...physically, emotionally, psychologically... something that the neuro-pathways believe even today.
Looking back there a lot of little things that lead me to this addictive behavior. One of them was the deterrent from purging. The act of self induced vomiting is not pleasant, I know. However, it does provide an instant, intense albeit short lived sense of relief after the anxiety based activity of eating. So then what happens in turn? I decided not to eat. I would save myself the horror of doing something so deplorable as to purge, the shame of basically throwing money down the toilet, or the risk of getting caught somehow.  So you abstain from food......and one can, for a long time. Then sooner or later, I would 'break-down' and eat. Then I would be so upset with myself  that I would "have to" go purge....(that's what ED would tell me....).....then the vicious cycle would continue. This was the pattern I came up against about 4 years ago, the cycle that would eventually send me to treatment.

Today, I took a very slight step against the need or rather the feeling that I would be ungrateful if I didn't eat every little morsel. Looking back, I think I can honestly say that I tried my best, and I ate what I could....and there wouldn't be a need for future leftovers. I also hope this is a step towards having an abundance mentality and getting rid of the scarcity mentality.

Today I also learned that my gratitude is not found in what I have or do not have, it is not found in what I do or do not eat, it is not found in where I am or am not. How grateful I am doesn't necessarily increase my personal worth. Yes......I believe that gratitude can be a verb, being active or being an expression. Perhaps it can also be a quiet calm feeling while communing with Heaven, with an open heart and an open mind and an increased sense of awareness for what Father has given us.

And learning gratitude as an increased sense of awareness knowing it doesn't change our value, that he is our Father and we are his children could be something new.