"The heart is not so easily changed, although the head can be persuaded.".......

I've been 'nudged' to write for the last couple of days, but I'm not entirely sure what to write. I'm not sure how to say where I nor am I confident that I can put a cohesive cognitive thought together. If nothing else, perhaps I can show faith by putting forth this attempt.

Yes, I'm still at odds with my circumstances in relapse. ED has been trying to tell me that because I am in relapse that I need to follow a whole slew of his rules; that there is a caloric intake limit, that there has to be a standard at which I exercise, and that my mind has to devote a certain amount of time spent is self-loathing. If I don't do all these things, that I couldn't technically consider myself in relapse. I know full well that the majority of you reading this cannot make sense of the mental illness associated with eating disorders, but perhaps you can relate to the skewed thinking associated with mental illness in general. I remember learning from a previous relapse that the longer your down, the harder it is to get back up. So of course it would make sense to not stay down too long.........right?

Now, let me take a moment to explain (in case you didn't know already) that simply eating is not the cure. If you know someone who struggles with this and you see them eat, do not dismiss them as 'recovered.' Can you see it as encouraging? Yes. Is that one time the end? By no means. This is a disorder of the mind, that can commonly have physical repercussions. Any physical cue that something is out of line is only secondary to what is going on in the thought process.

My therapist has recently introduced the idea of doing our own IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) where I promise and commit to doing certain things on a regular basis in addition to making and keeping regular appointments with my dietician, my therapist plus being held accountable on a daily basis to a member of an accountability team. The incentive in all of this would be that if I didn't keep my commitments, I would in turn end up back inside an impatient treatment center like where I've been before.

I have started to get nudges in what or how to go about doing this. (I do not live in a metropolitan area that already have a IOP set up in the community.) I'm yet to make a commitment on the starting date or to make any commitments of any sort........yet. I'm having a hard time changing my heart. I'm finding myself reluctant, because I do want the scale to be lower than what it is now, and I'm trying to figure out how to force my mind to switch that; to tell my mind that its not that important.

 

I'm not at that point yet. I'm *almost* wishing for something to happen or to cross my path that would scare me just enough for me to make a course correction, for me to change my heart.

 As stated in the movie "Frozen,"

the wise elder troll, Pabbie informs us that "The heart is not so easily changed,

but the head can be persuaded."
.

“Can you mend it, Carpenter?”

The Carpenter in Nazareth

 

In Nazareth, the narrow road,

That tires the feet and steals the breath,

Passes the place where once abode

The Carpenter of Nazareth.

And up and down the dusty way

The village folk would often wend;

And on the bench, beside Him, lay

Their broken things for Him to mend.

The maiden with the doll she broke,

The woman with the broken chair,

The man with broken plough, or yoke,

Said, “Can you mend it, Carpenter?” 

 

          And each received the thing he sought,          

In yoke, or plough, or chair, or doll;

The broken thing which each had brought

Returned again a perfect whole.

So, up the hill the long years through,

With heavy step and wistful eye,

The burdened souls their way pursue,

Uttering each the plaintive cry:

“O Carpenter of Nazareth,

This heart, that’s broken past repair,

This life, that’s shattered nigh to death,

Oh, can You mend them, Carpenter?”

And by His kind and ready hand,

His own sweet life is woven through

Our broken lives, until they stand

A New Creation—“all things new.”

“The shattered [substance] of [the] heart,

Desire, ambition, hope, and faith,

Mould Thou into the perfect part,

O, Carpenter of Nazareth!”

Lapse and Relapse

In my line of work as a nurse, I see the varying spectrum. There are those who come in to the clinic with a whole slew of maladies. Cough, sore throat, head congestion, chest congestion, fever, chills, earaches or whatever else may ail them. Do these warrant treatment? Yes, they do. I don't dispute that. However, I hold a special place in my heart for those who've been trying to overcome their illness for 2-3 hours. They tried the Sudafed and it just didn't work, so they come seeking something stronger, something more.

Now in contrast......another group of patients I hold a special place in my heart for. They are those who come in with chest pain, that seems to radiate down their left arm, goes thru to their back, they are feeling a little nauseated and exerting themselves seems to make it worse. In some cases, this has been going on for days. Of course I shake my head slightly because those are pretty classic signs of a heart attack, something where immediate treatment at an ER is required. But they remain in the room, rationalizing to themselves and to me, that they are "not that bad" or "not that sick," that if they could just get something for their heartburn, they would be just fine.

Despite additional encouragement and on occasion, the threat of an ambulance to come and help them get where they need to go, some remain......shocked, surprised, even dumbfounded that I have suggested such a thing. Again, they are convinced that "its not that bad." Some are fearful that if they were to follow up in an ER and everything turned out to be normal, that others (probably of whom, don't even know them) would look down upon them or think less of them. Not many consider the other side of that coin, what would happen if it was serious and neglected.

As I've thought about it, I've almost concluded that it might be our human, fallible nature. If there is a simple fix, why not do that? If the answer is that taking antibiotics for a week or two will cure it....Why not!?! However, if its necessary to do more, work harder, (like cut out saturated fats and include aerobic exercise) we are simply less likely to do it. Or perhaps showing our vulnerability will keep us from doing the right thing or the more healthy thing like showing up to an ER and say the words, "Chest Pain"......

That being said, let me share some definitions according to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary.

lapse

 noun \ˈlaps\

: an occurrence in which you fail to think or act in the usual or proper way for a brief time and make a mistake

relapse

noun \ri-ˈlaps, ˈrē-ˌ\

: the return of an illness after a period of improvement

I would be willing to define lapse to myself as an honest mistake and forget to take my son to scouts or to accidentally take a wrong turn on my way grocery shopping. It is for a brief time.
Now can I tell you what I LOVE about the definition of relapse. I don't like the term 'relapse' in and of itself, but I so appreciate how it says "return of an illness". That exactly what addiction is. It is an illness, it is a disease. I remember commenting to others of a period of 'remission' from my disorder. It would then only make sense, that when ED roars his putrid head, I slip, I stumble and because of this fallen state.....I fall. I usually land on my knees, pleading by means of Jesus Christ, who made it possible for me to have 'remission' from sin when I was baptized. It is also possible every Sunday when those covenants are renewed.
So in my own vulnerability and being reluctant, I admit I am in relapse. I am experiencing a "return of an illness." Unfortunately, this one cannot be taken care of with antibiotics. Its remedy is not found in a pill or injection. It is found (like for most all addictions) in overcoming the natural and fallen man, and getting back up. It is found in a "broken heart and contrite spirit" (3rd Nephi 9:20) It is found in him who "is mighty to save" (Mark 6:5)
Now I share this in hopes of others who may be close to where I am, perhaps reasoning that "its not that bad" or that you can "stop anytime I want"....... I smile, only because I feel the spirit nudge me with the sense of:

"Spoken like a true addict."

So now its my turn to quit being the nurse, time to work as a patient. Time for me to listen to those who can see better than I, those who have knowledge and training in how to work thru what I need to work thru.

Please join me on my journey and my fight to 'remission.'

The Great Encourager

I really don't spend much time watching TV. I really don't have much time for it. However, a couple of weeks ago, I ended up in the living room.......with the TV on.......watching "Dancing With The Stars." Sometimes, its kinda fun to watch only because my kids like to pretend they are professional ballroom dancers and they dance with each other, trying to mimic what they see. However, on this particular night, there was something completely different.......SOMEONE completely different.

Her name is Amy Purdy and when she was 19 years old, she contracted Bacterial Meningitis and had to have both of her legs amputated from just below the knee. She has gone on to be a motivational speaker, a co-founder of a business, Para-Olympic medalist, and now is on "Dancing With The Stars." I was amazed that she was dancing, and that she was doing it so well.
One of the first questions to come to my mind was, "How did she know she could snowboard? How did she know she could dance? How did she know?"
When we are first learning how to walk, I would dare say that there was someone there to encourage us. I'm guessing that someone prodded us to try 'just one more time.' I would dare say that when we learned how to ride a bike, someone was there to hold on to the back of our seat, holding us up, running behind us until they let go, and away we went.
My point is, what do you do when you've never been encouraged or told that you can do something? How did Amy know that she could dance?

 

As I thought about it for the next couple of days, a very obvious answer kept coming back to mind. How did she know she could do it? She tried. She was willing to see what would happen, if she were willing to put herself out there and try. I would also venture to say that she has someone supporting her, encouraging her, perhaps Derek can even teach her or together they learn how this can be pulled off.

 

I have found myself dealing with more pot holes in my road than what I am comfortable with as of late, but feel the nudge of what I believe to be the spirit, guide me to some paths that have not been walked before. I find me asking myself, "How do I know I can do this? How do I know that I can really pull this off?" And even tonight as I am writing this post, I feel as if to wonder if the Spirit, who is also known by such titles as "The Holy Ghost, The Light of Christ, The Still Small Voice, or The Comforter" may also be known as "The Great Encourager."

 



“Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and should be and he will become as he can and should be.” Stephen R. Covey