An Addiction Recovery Program Conference

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we have an addiction recovery manual and program set up in the likeness of the original 12 steps established from AA. It is (appropriately named) The Addiction Recovery Program or ARP to shorten it. Well not far from where I live, they have a conference once a year with speakers to help inspire and encourage recovery as a whole. This weekend was the conference. It was fantastic. I don't want to compare it to General Conference because they are each so important for what they each do. Each one in its own right, is amazing.
I was able to attend classes about "The Biology of Addiction" (which just happened to be taught by the same man that I took an Anatomy and Physiology class from),  "Food: Friend or Foe" & a class about "Trust and Forgiveness." All of this was then followed up by a meeting this evening to hear from some men who have been thru the 12 steps in their own lives as recovering alcoholics and drug addicts who now facilitate rehab treatment centers.

It was reassuring to be amongst those who struggle, who have taken a step towards looking at God, and being willing to admit that mistakes have been made, but also willing to work the 12 steps in order to do what it takes to be sober for another 24.....taking it just one day at a time. I really appreciated in one workshop, the teacher stood and remarked that although he had taught hundreds of times the material he was teaching us, for some reason it felt different being with us. I knew exactly what he meant.

I'm not sure how many ARP meeting I've been to. Nor can I tell you how many times, I have sat in on an ARP meeting and have felt the spirit of God come upon me. It really is such a profound experience. Sitting there at a meeting to share that you have made a mistake, perhaps a little bit about your mistake without sharing all the finer points of your addiction. And then you feel it. The spirit.

I remember struggling with that at first. I had been taught that if you mess up, if you make a mistake that the spirit can no longer dwell with you. Yet here was that familiar feeling. At times, feeling the spirit can be so strong, there is no denying that feeling or what is going on. It was at the meeting tonight that helped me put the pieces together. He simply and poignantly explained the addiction or addictive behavior as an illness.....a disease of sorts. Weakness is not the same as a sin. Our fallibilities, our mortal time, our need to practice some things over and over and over and over and over again are not for punishment. They are for our growth and development. Why can't the spirit be with me if I'm sick, if I'm fighting a disease? He can.

The spirit has been in many ARP meetings, sometimes a stronger presence than what I feel at church at times. The classes yesterday and the gathering this evening are a testament to that. Although we are broken people, and we have broken lives, we are also willing to show up and risk the chance of being noticed &/judged. But we also have broken hearts and contrite spirits. Perhaps the Lord loves broken things. Perhaps he knows those who are striving to know him. And perhaps (as Elder Jeffrey R. Holland explained).....that surely the thing God enjoys most about being God is the thrill of being merciful, especially to those who don’t expect it and often feel they don’t deserve it.

What struck this memory today?

Believe it or not, I have a hard time writing. I find it to be a challenge and time taking. I question the benefit and struggle most times to find the words that are adequate enough to convey where I am, what I want to share, or to teach what others may want/need to know.
I want to preface this post by admitting that writing is hard.

With that being said, I want to share with you something I remembered today from treatment. The foundational part of homework I had while in treatment was to write. (Did you see that one coming!?!) One of the first things we needed to do was to write our life story; what life was like as a child, what we could remember, what our 'favorites' were and ultimately how we had gotten to know ED.....how we had gotten to the point where we were all there in treatment. It was an opportunity to be open, frightenly honest, blatantly candid, to open up every can of worms we had crossed paths with on our lives journey thus far.
After our story was written, we would share it with our therapist. We would review the contents together in a session before we would have to share it in group. In group, we would read our story, then leave ourselves vulnerable to the comments and questions of others in group. Thinking back on it now, I can reflect on how insurmountable writing my story seemed. In fact, I feel as though I may have "copped-out" on it, only because I ended up cutting and pasting my journal to come up with my story. I vaguely remember sharing it in group, being utterly petrified of what others would think of me (although I hardly knew any of them) how they would feel about me, what they would say or how they would react. I would later come to understand that most all of us would have similar themes in our live stories that had led us to be together at that moment in time.
What struck this memory today?
I've been asked to re-visit some of my life history. I recently had a counseling session with my ex-husband. I walked in hoping to help my ex-husband gain closure. I walked out with the homework assignment to simply list barriers or hurts that we still had, that kept us from having a healthy relationship. Don't misunderstand. We have been very amicable during our 4 years of divorce. And while I have believed that I had somehow forgiven and moved on, I am now having to face the possibility that I haven't. I am open to this suggestion because I know I cannot entirely trust myself, although that story is for another post. I try to calm myself by trying to remember that I am not to list every little minor and major detail of what or how things went awry. I am not to play judge and jury to my list. I am not to decide what happens as a result of my list. I am to merely list barrier and hurts. That is all. Keep it simple. Will part B) and part C) or part D) happen? I'm sure it will. My part (for now) is part A. I will admit that I am in fear of the can of worms this assignment will cause me to open. Be still my heart......for now its only part A.
I am sure that it is by no mistake that this homework comes to me at the same time we contemplate the Easter Holiday that takes place this weekend. The holiday that helps Heavenly Fathers fallible children remember to stop and look inside empty Easter eggs, to remember the empty tomb. The holiday that helps us remember that Spring is a time for new beginnings. The holiday that teaches hope.

Boundaries....

My parents and I have a difficult relationship.

I am the single mom of three crazy peeps. I love them to the moon and back, they are my world. But (un)fortunately, I am in that population of moms that have to work to provide for them. I work about 45 minutes away from where I live and so much of the time, when I work my 12 hours shifts, my peeps stay with my parents. Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for my parents. The only way I've been able to make it for the last 4 years since being divorced was because of my parents. I was able to go back to school and make it possible to be a healthcare professional. My parents are wonderful people......but I struggle with them.

It was my mother, who took me to a counselor (before I was divorced or had a major lapse with my eating disorder) wherein she told me that I was an "incompetent mother." I have to tell you.....that is something that I still haven't gotten over. I still feel as though I have that hanging over my head. To her, I never measure up, I'm never good enough nor will I ever be. There is always something lacking in her perspective of me. My home is never clean enough, my kids hair is hardly ever done the 'right' way, I apparently never have good enough clothes for them (even though they get a new wardrobe before school every fall) because she is always giving them more clothes.

One painful strike happened while I was in treatment. I'll preface this by saying that yes......I know they meant well and probably thought in their minds that they were only helping. But one day while I was in treatment, they came into my house (which was in shambles, because I had been in a crisis mode, doing everything to keep myself alive long enough to get to treatment) and re-arranged and cleaned my house. And when I say clean, I mean they changed the light fixture in the bathroom (although I have NO idea why!?!?!) and put pink vinyl hearts all over my daughters bedroom.
In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, there is a firmly held belief that families can be together forever, that the family bounds can held even after this life, which I do still hold to be true. However, having gone thru a divorce, the term "Families can be Together Forever" albeit true, can kinda be a sore spot for some, me included. Although this concept had been explained to my mom, there was still in vinyl in one of my kids' room with that saying on their wall. Although I had turned the heat off when I left, they had turned it on while they were there and never turned it back down. I got to pay for the same amount in the power bill that I would have had if I were at home.

Its hard for me to say that my perspective is wrong, because it is mine. That is what I see to be true. Those are the glasses which I look thru. At treatment I learned that its called Atelophobia, The fear of imperfection. So my perspective is that I am not good enough, I am not fast enough, I am not strong enough, I am not tall enough, I am not pretty enough, I am not THIN enough.......because I am incompetent. These are the foundational principles of my eating disorder. That somehow if I can be faster, stronger, taller, prettier, thinner...........that that will equal being competent or good enough. If in turn you've been taught that asking for help is admitting weakness, admitting defeat, How often would you ask for help? Its been quite awhile since I've had home teachers or visiting teachers, (people in our congregation asked to help look out for one another) in my home. Its either because of trust issues, I feel as though I would be weak if I asked for help, or because if I let you into my home, you would see that I'm not good enough.

My mother and I went to counseling for a little bit when I first got home from treatment and she has been doing alright up until about 2 weeks ago. Now, I'm not sure if its my awareness to what has been going on, because I'm able to recognize it more quickly due to the (arduous) practice that I've been blessed with or because of something else to which I'm not aware. She has been doing things that are over-stepping her boundaries. She will not respect my wishes regarding my peeps. She has been over-assuming responsibilities of my peeps. It is really upsetting. Multiple examples in the last 2 weeks could be told, but what it comes down to is how I react to what is going on. Do I react by trying reaffirm control by participating in my eating disorder? Do I hold on to the techniques I've been taught to "ride the wave" until I'm in a safer, more stable place?

Either way, I come and I type unanimously, knowing IF anyone ever reads this, that perhaps it can give pause and reflection to their relationships with those close around.

No, I don't mean for you to fix me. Only the Savior and his Atonement can do that. I am writing to make you aware of your boundaries. Do you respect the boundaries of those around you? Is there someone in your neighborhood, in any group for which you are related , benefit from knowing that sometimes they cannot ask for help or let you into their home because they are afraid of how you will judge them? That perhaps with sincere love, endurance and indeed long suffering, they simply know your phone number and you've talked to them enough to know that if you do need anything, they will know how to call.